I don't think I ever believed really. I was young so I could just go with it. Nobody ever questioned if I actually believed or not. Nobody ever asked if I had questions, or didn't understand something. Nobody asked if I wanted to go to church, if I wanted to be 'saved'. I mean you can't save someone who doesn't wanna be saved right?
Every church I've ever been a part of was small so maybe my perspective is a little bit tainted, but its my opinion nonetheless. First church met in an elementary school, had a female preacher, like 30 people and half of them were kids (babies to 17). The rest were women. I remember distinctly that there were 3 men that were members. The main thing I remember was not having options. All the kids that were old enough had to be in the choir. There was no discussion, no debate. It just was. It's not like it wasn't fun, we just didn't have a choice. Well that didn't matter that much I guess because all of your friends were in it so you wanted to be too. Anyways..when my mom decided we needed to leave that church the pastor pretty much fell apart. I mean I'll admit, my mom did a lot for the church. She was a missionary, head of the dance ministries, the pastor's assistant and stuff like that. I guess my family was like the meat of the church. Its like we kept everything together. I don't know any better way to explain it. I do know the pastor was really upset when my mom decided to leave. But why? I mean, its just three members.
We took some time off after that church and didn't go to one until I got into high school (after I came out to my mom, surprise surprise!). I don't even know where she found this place at. It was in Forrestville, aka the bad part of town. They met in what I can only describe as a hallway. Now I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover or whatever, but the place was run down. And they had the nerve to have some expensive sound equipment, drums, piano, and guitarist. For what? I guess I can understand dreaming big, but there are some limits. Its really obnoxious to make more noise than you can handle in your little hallway. So this is during the time when I'm just ridiculously rebellous. I was questioning everything, most of the time just for the hell of it. I didn't even know what I was getting into when I started analyzing his preaching and mannerisms. First of all, he boasted a lot about his college education and how he learned all of these languges but he mispronounced cities in the bible every sunday. He thought he knew the Latin roots to words but when I looked the words up he was totally wrong. On top of that he always wanted to pray for me and my sister and was dangerously close to our breasts when he was attempting to put his hand on our chest. Yeah, yeah, I could be reading way too much into it, but I'm probably not. Now he wasn't a horrible speaker, like you could follow his points sometimes and he made valid points but come on the bible is easy to twist in anyway you want already. He just had a good grip of which way to turn.
The church I go to now meets in an elementary school too. The pastor is my former teammates' father. He isn't such a great speaker, and his sermon's are somewhat erratic. Most of the church family are my teammates and their families. Basically there are three families. And the pastors mom, aka his biggest co-signer. His sermons are more like a compilation of verses. Like he just gets one of those bible reference books where you look up a word and it gives you a shitload of verses in reference to the word. Thats basically what he does, along with some heightened emotion here and there. I see sermons as an outline. There's a main point then supporting points and a conclusion. So his sermons are all out of wack, and they're hard to listen to and especially to understand. My mom knows that shit too. She'll even be in there doodling, picking her nails, and not paying attention except to throw in an 'amen' every once and a while.
Religion as a whole is just all screwed up. Its all about following these rules to get to this place of peace. Why can't we have the peace now? There is no proof of any of this shit. No one has Jesus' bones to prove that his ass really got back out that grave. Its like all of these mediums telling you to believe just because. With no evidence or proof. Don't ask questions, just do. What kind of shit is that? Even four year olds ask questions. And when/if you ask people target you like you don't have faith in god or something. Who's to say Jah, or Allah, or Budda isn't the real god/higher power? No one really knows. Religion is like organized murder. Millions die from smoking, billions die in the name of god, allah, or buddah. So yeah I'd love to be part of the massacre! Ughh it upsets me that some people think religion is the only way to good morals. Like if you're not christian or catholic you're a liar, cheater, murderer, lesbian, and adulturer. And what about those people who have horrible morals but are active in church? We're all just supposed to ignore that right? Sometimes I think religion is just an excuse. People need to know how the world was made, where we came from and why bad things happen. They aren't content thinking it just happened. God is the perfect scapegoat.
*wooosahhhhh* Sorry I got to ranting a little bit.
Religion is a type of conformity. Everyone does the same things and are held to the same standards. In a world where everyone is differnet one religion isn't going to be the perfect fit for everyone. People evolve and grow so shouldn't religions? Shouldn't they change to accomodate the people that follow them? Religion focuses too much on the destination.
Spirituality is something I'm trying. Its about being the best person you can be, in a way specifically meant for you. Having good morals and doing the right thing always based on what your personality is. Its about the journey rather than the destination. Its not about rules you have to follow, a specific diety you have to worship, or a church you have to join. Spirituality is learning about yourself. It is becoming a better person. Its about knowing who you are, really and truely, and accomplishing goals the way you need to. I know it probably sounds really hippie-ish, but it kinda is. Spirituality to me is simply growth. You see the universe as it is, and you see your place in the universe for what it is. You may not be the most powerful, richest, or coolest, but you're you and that means something. If you know yourself then you can figure everything else out.
In my personal journey in spirituality I've grown immensely. If I look at the person I was my freshman year and the person I am now, its two completely different people. Its exhilerating. I did all that growing just in high school, then I'm gonna be so centered throughout college. I've learned, in reference to me, that karma is a driving force to humanity. Its just a cycle which is the basis for a lot of things in the universe. So if you do good, eventually you get good. Little things happen. If something isn't going to affect me in 5 years, I don't worry about it more than 5 minutes. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. When I say that it doesn't mean do what everyone else is doing, just that if people want to follow the crowd let them. Don't try to stop anything that you can't stop. Let things go. I've learned how important it is to be alone sometimes. Its a part of learning yourself to just spend time alone. Its when you learn what you like, don't like, will/won't tolerate. If you're always surrounded by your 'friends' you don't even know what kind of person you're becoming, plus you're most likely surrounded by drama as well. Sometimes you just have to be alone. The more comfortable you get being around yourself the more comfortable you'll be around other people.
