I never had a mentor. Always wanted one though. Like a big sister figure, that was into the same stuff as me. Blah. Short-lived dreams; women are to self-centered, too insecure, to commit to that kind of thing.
My gf liked her Christmas gift. THANK GOD. That smile on her face was electric. I live for that.
The other day I was having a real internal conflict, long story short I really wanted to be mad at my mom for the whole situation, but realistically it was my fault. One part of my subconscious knew that and was like okay chill, no need to stay mad its whatever, but the other side was just sooo pissed off. Like I was really angry at her. So I'm pretty sure it was conflict between my ego, superego and id, but I can't figure out which was which. I looked it up and all but Wikipedia isn't so descriptive.
Everybody Hates Chris is a friggin great show lol.
I've always wanted to celebrate Kwanza.
Is it possible to know someone better than they know themself? I mean I barely know myself (something I am not proud of) so how can anyone else know me?
You never appreciate your sanity until you loose it, or you witness someone else loose theirs.
I wanna go back to Spit Dat, but its kinda cold, and getting a ride is hectic with my mom.
Sometimes I feel conflict when I blog more than I write in my journal.
Dec 24, 2009
Dec 17, 2009
Just Some Thoughts
I should probably take my dreams a little more seriously. In general they all have some spy element to them. I'm a spy, mom and dad are spy's I'm trying to save the world kind of thing. Not sure if its a future, past, or present thing but either way I should take them seriously. At least I write them down.
So this relationship I'm in now is just about the most trying one ever. And not trying because my gf nags, or is insecure or anything but because she holds me to a much higher standard than ANY girl I've ever dated. She expects things from me that I don't even expect from myself. And that scares me because my dad does it. And to him I just never measure up. I realized that fear always creeps up on me and I end up not trying my best. Recently it got a little rocky because I wasn't romantic enough, wasn't communicating properly, plus the general stress of a long-distance relationship. Basically what I thought of as trying my best wasn't meeting her standards. Or maybe I wasn't trying my best and thought I was. IDK. All I do know, is that I thought about it a lot. I thought about it constantly and got nowhere (which seems to happen a lot). It was like every conversation put me on edge. I didn't know if I would say something wrong or whatever.The worst part was knowing that as happy as she made me, I wasn't making her feel the same way. Basically it ended up with her apologizing and me committing to forget all about it. Man honestly when she texted me saying sorry it was so relieving. But that's where it is now. I really didn't change anything so I'm determined to do that over the break. Small changes, different than the ones I already did and see where that gets me.
Sometimes I hate people without giving them a chance (especially with guys), and sometimes I dislike people after I've known them for a while. I really started to not like my roommates this week because they were all over the place, smoking every night and always having people over instead of studying for finals and being respectful of people's study time. Anyway I had to realize that people come from different backgrounds that I may never know and I can't just change my whole perception of them based off of one instance.
Sometimes, well a lot of times I wonder if I make sense when I write or think, because I feel like I contradict myself a lot.
I've started some short stories but I feel like they're wayyyyyy too simple, as far as character depth and description in general.
This is the first Christmas I've spent real money, my money that is, on gifts. Three cheers for growing up.
I finished my first semester at college. Don't know my grades yet, but I'm not worried. I'm pretty sure I'm going to transfer to UMD next year, unless some act of God happens, because I really can't afford this school. It was good while it lasted though. I'm already seeing the plus side of UMD; closer to home, I can get a car, closer to my gf (and yes that means I plan on being with her next year), less expensive, and lately I've been thinking about changing my major to some sort of engineering because I just don't want to take the chance of getting into a field where I can't make money and support a family.
My roommate introduced me to John Mayer and I think I'm in love. Such feel-good music. I love it. Can't wait to get home and download like craazyyyyy!
So this relationship I'm in now is just about the most trying one ever. And not trying because my gf nags, or is insecure or anything but because she holds me to a much higher standard than ANY girl I've ever dated. She expects things from me that I don't even expect from myself. And that scares me because my dad does it. And to him I just never measure up. I realized that fear always creeps up on me and I end up not trying my best. Recently it got a little rocky because I wasn't romantic enough, wasn't communicating properly, plus the general stress of a long-distance relationship. Basically what I thought of as trying my best wasn't meeting her standards. Or maybe I wasn't trying my best and thought I was. IDK. All I do know, is that I thought about it a lot. I thought about it constantly and got nowhere (which seems to happen a lot). It was like every conversation put me on edge. I didn't know if I would say something wrong or whatever.The worst part was knowing that as happy as she made me, I wasn't making her feel the same way. Basically it ended up with her apologizing and me committing to forget all about it. Man honestly when she texted me saying sorry it was so relieving. But that's where it is now. I really didn't change anything so I'm determined to do that over the break. Small changes, different than the ones I already did and see where that gets me.
Sometimes I hate people without giving them a chance (especially with guys), and sometimes I dislike people after I've known them for a while. I really started to not like my roommates this week because they were all over the place, smoking every night and always having people over instead of studying for finals and being respectful of people's study time. Anyway I had to realize that people come from different backgrounds that I may never know and I can't just change my whole perception of them based off of one instance.
Sometimes, well a lot of times I wonder if I make sense when I write or think, because I feel like I contradict myself a lot.
I've started some short stories but I feel like they're wayyyyyy too simple, as far as character depth and description in general.
This is the first Christmas I've spent real money, my money that is, on gifts. Three cheers for growing up.
I finished my first semester at college. Don't know my grades yet, but I'm not worried. I'm pretty sure I'm going to transfer to UMD next year, unless some act of God happens, because I really can't afford this school. It was good while it lasted though. I'm already seeing the plus side of UMD; closer to home, I can get a car, closer to my gf (and yes that means I plan on being with her next year), less expensive, and lately I've been thinking about changing my major to some sort of engineering because I just don't want to take the chance of getting into a field where I can't make money and support a family.
My roommate introduced me to John Mayer and I think I'm in love. Such feel-good music. I love it. Can't wait to get home and download like craazyyyyy!
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