This Post Is About Me

This post is about me.
Okay first of all I have to thank anyone who stayed around long enough to even read this. I've been MIA pretty much all summer. I don't have a good reason for that. But since I'm not one of those bloggers who even checks up on how many followers I have I'm really writing this just because that's what I'm expected to do.

Now back to the blog. This post is about me. More specifically my aversion to anything social. First it should be pointed out that I'm a college student. I am expected to party and network and make friends and all of the above. I am actually incapable of such tasks to a certain extent. Meeting new people is like an extremely awkward meeting between you and one of your teachers at a gay strip club. And they're stripping. These conversations end up being me desperately trying to find my footing and struggling to come up with words that will come out as normal or are socially acceptable. Many people are fluent in small talk. I am not.
Okay I'm exaggerating a little bit. But it is very hard for me to meet people, remember people, and generally be seen as friendly. I think its because I over-analyze every situation. And while I'm analyzing I have this scowl on my face that turns people away.
So lately I've been coming up with a ton of reasons why its okay for me to be in my room on a friday night at 10 o'clock with no plans. Mainly reasons like 'who needs people anyway all they do is use you', or 'I'm just going to chill tonight'. When in reality I would be relieved to be invited somewhere or have actual plans (even though from experience, 'plans' rarely go accordingly and while everyone else is just going with the flow I'm secretly micro-managing).

My biggest problem with this whole situation is not that I feel like I don't have friends. I can actually deal with that because I think of friends as relative, and I feel like I have great friends back home, that make up for all of that. My biggest problem isn't feeling like people who I was friends with last year are forgetting all about me, nor is it feeling like a loser when I don't know who someone's talking about when they say 'oh do you know Johnny? or Jessica?'.
My biggest problem with all of this introvertedness is how fucking fluent and charming I am when I'm in a comfortable situation i.e. with someone I know, or in class, or even when I'm writing. It is truly ridiculous that I can give elegant speeches during class but the minute that student-teacher structure is gone I can't even answer simple questions. It's a cruel and unfair trait that I can charm the pants off of people I know in one-on-one situations, but when it comes to people I don't know I respond with primal grunts and gestures. Its ridiculous that I can write words and concepts and ideas and conversations that I could never have in real life because I'm just too incapable. That is just fucking cruel and I find myself wondering what I did to deserve this.

If this is some sort of cosmic irony, just know I don't find it entertaining, or endearing or even 'worth overcoming.' If there is some forcefield around me preventing me from being a normal, casual human, someone should let me know. I don't think anyone deserves to be this confused/lost/strange when it comes to social interactions.

Theories on Religion: The Culture of Church

I volunteered to go to a Church conference with my mom this past weekend. It was a free hotel stay, and nice scenery in the valley's of Virginia and I really needed the break away from everything. But while I was there of course I questioned EVERYTHING. Its really become a habit that I'm proud of. Even when I'm just watching TV. So what I questioned this weekend was the presence of an Apostle, who was doing all this 'touch and be healed', or 'touch and be filled with the holy spirit' prayer. So of course my mom forced me up to be prayed for, and while she was crying and screaming in what I call an extremely dramatic fashion, I was thinking, questioning, wondering, and faking that I was praying.

I came up with this idea that all these ladies around here 'filled with the spirit' might just be doing all these theatrics, out of necessity, or repetition. Maybe these are learned behaviors. Then I checked myself, I mean who would just be crying for no reason like that. Well it may not be for no reason. The tears and emotion may be real, just not caused by the presence of the 'holy spirit'. These women (because the majority of the time it is women, the men don't cry and lay out) have been hurt. They have memories, and pain, and experiences that make them emotional. I think what happens is these 'apostles' and 'preachers' take advantage of the knowledge that most women have been hurt, raped, lied to, lied on, and betrayed. And the women never know better, and they're blinded by that hurt, plus they never think to question it.

So when my mom dragged me up there I noticed a feeling in my gut. But it didn't make me fall out when the lady touched me (what she really did was roll my head around, and push me backward so I'd fall out; I didn't). The feeling was anxiety, nervousness, fear because of what might happen, and because of all the people around me. I had my eyes closed and literally it felt like I was inside the microphone.