Letting Go.

Its crazy that I still love her so much. Maybe that's it maybe because I never say her name, I just say her. Okay; Nisha. I still love Nisha so much. We've been over forever. We broke up when I was 16, I'm almost 18. Its so fucking pitiful. Okay maybe its not, I'm not like totally incapable of caring about someone else but she's always on my mind. I'm always worrying about her, and there's still songs to this day that will make me tear up becuase I always think about her when I listen to them. Sometimes I don't even know if I've moved on or not. I guess I have mentally, but not emotionally? Idk, I'm in a relationship and I still think about her. Not nearly as much as I used to though. I guess some days are worse than others. It just gets discouraging in this battle to move on with my life when some days I get through without thinking about her then I hear a song or see something or hear something about a friggin part of DC where she lives and I'm back to thinking about her. I wish I could not care. I wish I could hate her and move on. I want to move on. I would rather harbor hate than have to deal with seeing her in the face of every girl that wants me to move on.

Today I learned what real love is. fml.


"Your face will be the reason I smile
but I will not see what I can not have forever
I'll always love ya I hope you feel the same

-Maxwell

I Got A Lot To Say....

For one I graduated high school! Yay me. But I'm still broke, still jobless, still in a bad relationship that I don't really even want to be in, still trying to figure out a way to pay for college, still procrastinating like a bio-tch, still somewhat out of shape (even though I'm working on that), still not using my talents like I could be, still acting like I'm crazy shy, and still in love with my ex.

Um. yeah. Its pretty much like that. I get up in the mornings and work out. Today I went to the court for like an hour. Best hour in a long time. I missed basketball. My stroke is still like that. I wanted to go to my ex's house because she got hurt at work and wants someone to chill with. Mom nixed all that and said 'stay your ass home'. Why?

I'm almost fucking 18. Why is it that my little sister can go wherever the fuck she wants but I have to sit in the house all day? My sis is going to her friends house for dinner later today and tomorrow she's gonna spend the night at another friends house. Someone, for god's fucking sake explain to me why at 17 and 10 months I still have these issues with my mom. And get this shit. Yesterday I asked her could I go she said no, then had the fucking nerve to ask me to run errands for her! And today oh I can't go to my friends house but I can take my sister to her friends house. What kind of bullshit is she on?

Um I got mad graduation money and went to Ocean City with my bestfriend our bro, my gay friend (dude), and my friend Lisa. Well it was cool for the most part. My bestie had a few iffy moments but I guess we all did at some point. The weather wasn't that great but we did go to the beach and make a bombass sandcastle >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We also went to this teen club called H20. It was cool I guess. They had a foam night and we're thinking there's gonna be foam up to our neck but it was one foam machine in the middle of the floor which didn't get nearly as much foam as we wanted. So little ol' me was just in there [pg] chillin and shit. I wanted to dance with girls and whatnot but my ass was a super punk. When I finally got the nerve to ask one girl she snatched her hand away from mine so hard she smacked her own ass. After that I was just like yeah no more tryna dance with black chicks. Mean ass viper motherfuckers...So I danced with like two other girls and the whole time there just tryna feel me up where my nuts should be, no doubt thinkin 'why aint he gettin hard'.

And that my dear reader(s), brings me to something I've been thinking about since that incident. Sometimes I just wish I had a dick. I mean I'm a lesbian. I love women, I like being gay, but if I had a dick stuff would just be so much easier. I mean I was having fun and all, but my brother Trev was straight bookin bitches the whole damn time. Shit was ridiculous. He got the neck like every day we were there. And I don't even want that, I don't wanna be a hoe just want the availability and convenience, and confidence.

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So the next subject is this girl I like. She lives in NY (where I'm going to school!) and she's just really friggin cool. Like she is so chill. We vibe so well. Like I keep her laughing, she keeps me smiling, she keeps me thinking. Like we talk about stuff I see like as far as observing the people around me and stuff like that. We talk about our personal growth. She was telling me how much of a materialistic asshole she used to be and I can't even imagine her in that way. She's so down to earth. And its cool beacuse we flirt and such but we each date other people. We'll be talking and she'll say something about a date she has then ask about my girlfriend, and you know how girls will do/say things to make someone jealous?, well its not like that at all. She's genunine about that shit. And I love it. She really asks about my girl and really wants to help whatever relationship we have. Its just all good vibes I feel from this chick. I can't wait to go to NY to meet her in person. And yeah yeah, I know there can be so much shit about 'whaaat you met her online, and you never met her in person' but its just different. Idk how to really explain it, but its different. I'm gonna sound crazy I guess but I'm thinking its fate. I mean I'm going to school in NY, right up the street from her school. And she was gonna go to Bowie State, right down the street from where I stay. I mean come on...AND the whole reason I met her was because I said some asshole-ish stuff on her blog about young girls, and she didn't come at me foul back just asked me about it and what do you know, I find out she's fucking 16! Anyway the girl is really cool and I'm excited to see where this goes.

*This blog was out of boredom soooo yeah you get what you pay for I guess...