If I Thought New York Would Change My Life...

I am totally right. Before coming here I wasn't used to being independant. There was always someone breathing down my back or checking up on me. It really blew. I hated always having to tell my mom where I was going, who I'd be with, and when I'd be back. I also wasn't as responsible. I wasn't totally incapable of doing what I'm supposed to but I was definately a procrastinator. I kinda still am but I'm really working on it. So I wanted to get my schedule changed, and instead of bitching about it, I just did. Took like 15 minutes from the time I checked in with the receptionist to the time I got my new schedule. My whole morning was a success from my standpoint. I got to class on time, went to the gym, played basketball, changed my schedule, AND got some books from the library. I just feel really accomplished. And the other day I was playing spades with my roomies. I got the urge to walk and ended up doing just that. I just said 'okay guys, be back later'. That was it. I mean I could have explained myself no problem, but I didn't have to. Maybe I'm making this sound like a big deal. Its not I'm just really excited for myself. I knew, knew, knew; before I even got here, that if I was put in a situation where I had to step out of my comfort zone I would succeed. Usually I'm shy, but all during freshman weekend, with ice breaker games and such I put myself out there and met people. It was just about the smoothest transition I could ever imagine. I wasn't getting butterflies trying to talk to people, and I don't know where this confidence came from but I'm willing to bet its this NY atmosphere =]

College Thoughts: Part I

So I was chilling with the bestie at her house the other night and its me her and our friend Lisa. We're all going away to college and isssh. So Meesh's brother comes in the room and was kinda kidding with us then he spit some real knowledge about how its gonna be in college. Just tellin us that we're gonna change and our friends are gonna change, and when we come back we can't expect to see the same kids we did when we left. So to me the deepest thing he said was "there's gonna be times when people just drop off the face of the earth". I felt like that was some true ass, real ass shit. Motherfuckers I thought I was super cool with in high school have fucking disappeared. I'm cool with it though. I mean I didn't stress it at all really. But I guess it was lurking in the back of my mind because my crew, like the people I spent all my time with in high school, were doing all this stuff without me. I mean I'm not one to get all bitchy like 'why yall aint invite me' cause I realize they got different relationships with each other and third parties that I'm not aware of, I just didn't know it was all gonna end so fast. So when he said that it was really like an eye-opener. They say that when you graduate high school you're gonna tell everybody you'll keep in touch but you really won't, they say your college friends are the ones you'll keep the rest of your life. Well I'm just the one for trying to upset the status quo lol. I feel like if I keep in mind the fact that there's a lot going on for everybody; and not take things to heart when people don't hit me up, I'll be able to have at least threads of relationships with my high school friends and I'm pretty sure after freshman year we can work on rebuilding it. As long as the lines of communication stay open through the year we should be good.

When You're 17 Everything Feels Like The End Of The World

I keep a lot of anger in me. My mom raps to me almost on the daily about college shit and how I'm in for a whole lot of changes and shit. Its stuff I've heard so many times. I'm sick of hearing it. I have never in this house felt like I could express myself freely. The anger gets so serious sometimes that I can feel it. It feels like heat. White heat just flowing through my body. And it comes all the way up to my eyes and I feel like I either have heat vision or people can see the anger in me. I hate the way she talks down to me. She talks to me like I don't know shit. She makes me so mad I can't think straight. I see myself just blowing up on her one day. I can clearly see it in my head; me yelling at her, the look of surprise on her face, me storming out, my dad coming to see what happened. Every time I get mad at her the explosion is bigger, longer. Not that I want to hurt her, but I want to be heard just like she does. Maybe its a big cycle in this house; my dad stifles my mom, mom stifles me. That's what it seems like. Every single time they get in an argument my mom ends up spilling her guts to me in a way that's like her yelling at me. Like she'll call me to her room and start talking about something I didn't do but it changes so quick to the subject of my dad, and all the fucked up things he's doing and how he's hurting her. It pisses me off that she'll talk to anyone else that will listen, but won't say shit to him. Ha look at me....sounding like a grade-A hypocrite.....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK. Anger doesn't feel good. I swear I feel it eating at my insides. I want it to go away. Maybe I'm going so far to college to run away from it, like my mom can't pick up a phone or something. But I guess if we're so far away she won't bother me as much. I just want to feel free. I never never feel like I can just do as I please, and I know its a rare thing in life where you're free like that, but I feel like your home should just be one of those places. If I can't have freedom of expression and emotion in my home I damn sure won't have it anywhere else. I'm ready to stop hiding.