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Nov 21, 2009

I've Got A Love/ Hate Relationship.....

With PG county.

Wanna know why? Its because there is so much negativity, and so much genuine talent and ability wasted.

So I was on the train going home and two girls who looked about 16 or 17 got on with a boy about 13/14. Now I was listening to my zune so I didn't hear what was going on but the next thing I know the girl is smacking the book from the hands of the man sitting behind her. So he hits her with the book. And of course she pops off. Her friend jumps up and the boy, and they've pretty much got the guy surrounded. And I hear them through the music and he calls her a bitch which only makes the situation worse and she tries to throw his briefcase on the floor. So he gets up and moves, and the kids sit back down and start laughing at the whole thing. They get off maybe two stops later and the white guy is talking to some other people on the train about it, and they're all laughing and encouraging the dude.

So two problems here:
1. The fact that a grown man is even entertaining the attention getting, attitude-having antics of a 17 year old girl. That is NOT okay. It is not okay for a grown man to call a child a bitch ever. Its not okay for him to entertain that. Really dude? You feel like its necessary to retaliate to the antics of a child? That I really don't understand. And then the fact that the people were laughing and encouraging him. I mean I don't care what she did, she's a CHILD. And if you start giving in to little manipulations of children then you're not fit to be an adult.
2. The fact that the girl did that shit was not cool. It wasn't. I mean on this whole topic I'm not particularly on anyone's side. I think what happened is that the guys book was hitting her because of the bumpy ride. So she hits back. This is the kind of thing that goes on all the time in PG. People, kids in general, are time-bombs. Anything and everything sets them off. There's so much hostility in the county in general and the kids feed on it. They never get out of the county so they don't know any better

And this is the realization. And then I started thinking about this episode of southpark where they made the civilization of SeaPeople. And they created their own cultures and such but eventually blew themselves up.

So I'm thinking PG is something like that. Its like someone's experiment, "ohh I wonder what happens if you keep a group of black people in one place and never expose them to the real world.."

Well, they create their own culture (gogo), and thrive for a while then eventually destroy themselves (through neighborhood fighting/ black on black crime/ AIDS/ perpetuating broken families). Yup, that sounds about right.

So this is why I hate PG.
But then again I love it because I grew up here. I learned here, people are familiar here, attitudes are familiar. But honestly when I come home I feel like an outsider. I feel so different from other people who live here and grew up here, but thats for another blog (likely to follow).

Nov 14, 2009

Saturday Night Soul Searching


The more I'm here at college and the more I think about it the more I realize that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And the more i think about that the more I realize that the only reason I even pretend like I'm here, on my shit, doing what I have to do to make something out of my life is to assuage my own fear that I have absolutely no direction.

The Raw Truth is I have no clue what I want to do with my life.
The Raw Truth is I can't find a job now and with the current economy the chance that I'll find one in four years is even lower.
The Raw Truth is that right now I can barely afford metrofare.
The Raw Truth is that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this and I always feel really distant when I feel this way.
The Raw Truth is I'm spending my parents money in an attempt to get a college degree, but I don't even know for what.
The Raw Truth is that I think all the time how much better I'm doing than a lot of kids here and I've got my shit together because my grades look good right now, and because I'm keeping my nose clean and staying out of trouble, but in reality I'd rather be an any position but mine (and yeah I know the grass always looks greener on the other side, but excuse me for being human and wanting shit regardless of what I already know)
The Raw Truth is I didn't do everything I should have/could have to get scholarships and grants so I wouldn't be in this situation.
The Raw Truth is that I hate having to ask my parents for money and I'd rather lie to my roommates than tell them how broke I am.
The Raw Truth is I still don't have any ride-or-die friends here.
The Raw Truth is that I push all these thoughts out of my mind because I'd rather not deal with it all.

Coming to face all of this is really difficult. Its so hard to look myself in the face and say I fucked up. But I have to. I have to in order to change it. Because I NEED better. I HAVE to be better than this. I feel so low all the time because the weight of all this stuff is tremendous. I give up all the time because its easier to not try and pretend I don't care than try and fail.

Its hard because I'm writing this with every intention to change things, but even now I'm scared that I'll punk out and slip right back into the place I don't want to be. I'm pretty sure this is what they mean when they say people go to college and 'find themselves'. But I feel like I am THE ONLY person in the WORLD going through this. And I've studied psychology and sociology and i KNOW the reason I feel like that is because people at my age are self-centered and can't really see outside themselves. I Know That, and I still can't see outside myself. I understand the situation objectively, but I still can't fix it objectively.

Really there's only a couple of things I know to be true as of now
I know I want to help people with my life work
I know I want to build a family
I know I want to be finacially independant/stable
I know I want to own property

But where do you go from there? What can I do to get there? I'm lost. And thats the Raw Truth.