The more I'm here at college and the more I think about it the more I realize that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And the more i think about that the more I realize that the only reason I even pretend like I'm here, on my shit, doing what I have to do to make something out of my life is to assuage my own fear that I have absolutely no direction.The Raw Truth is I have no clue what I want to do with my life.
The Raw Truth is I can't find a job now and with the current economy the chance that I'll find one in four years is even lower.
The Raw Truth is that right now I can barely afford metrofare.
The Raw Truth is that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this and I always feel really distant when I feel this way.
The Raw Truth is that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this and I always feel really distant when I feel this way.
The Raw Truth is I'm spending my parents money in an attempt to get a college degree, but I don't even know for what.
The Raw Truth is that I think all the time how much better I'm doing than a lot of kids here and I've got my shit together because my grades look good right now, and because I'm keeping my nose clean and staying out of trouble, but in reality I'd rather be an any position but mine (and yeah I know the grass always looks greener on the other side, but excuse me for being human and wanting shit regardless of what I already know)The Raw Truth is I didn't do everything I should have/could have to get scholarships and grants so I wouldn't be in this situation.
The Raw Truth is that I hate having to ask my parents for money and I'd rather lie to my roommates than tell them how broke I am.
The Raw Truth is I still don't have any ride-or-die friends here.
The Raw Truth is that I push all these thoughts out of my mind because I'd rather not deal with it all.
Coming to face all of this is really difficult. Its so hard to look myself in the face and say I fucked up. But I have to. I have to in order to change it. Because I NEED better. I HAVE to be better than this. I feel so low all the time because the weight of all this stuff is tremendous. I give up all the time because its easier to not try and pretend I don't care than try and fail.
Its hard because I'm writing this with every intention to change things, but even now I'm scared that I'll punk out and slip right back into the place I don't want to be. I'm pretty sure this is what they mean when they say people go to college and 'find themselves'. But I feel like I am THE ONLY person in the WORLD going through this. And I've studied psychology and sociology and i KNOW the reason I feel like that is because people at my age are self-centered and can't really see outside themselves. I Know That, and I still can't see outside myself. I understand the situation objectively, but I still can't fix it objectively. Really there's only a couple of things I know to be true as of now
I know I want to help people with my life work
I know I want to build a family
I know I want to be finacially independant/stable
I know I want to own property
But where do you go from there? What can I do to get there? I'm lost. And thats the Raw Truth.
you should know better than to feel alone in anything that you do. "there is nothing new under the sun."
ReplyDeletei hate it when people tell me i am self-centered or "only think of myself" like there is something wrong with that. there is no one and i mean NO ONE in the world who will look out for myself like i do. no one and i honestly believe that. e, BE self centered. why shouldn't you be? especially when you feel alone like this? someone else supposed to just roll up and make you feel better? sure, that might help for the moment, but then you become dependent on others.
life is kind of like a puzzle. first thing is to know what picture you're trying to make. you've got that down now: property, family, job, etc. now, look at the pieces you have so far: self-awareness, in college, drive, etc. now you just have to find out the pieces you need to finish the picture. don't expect these pieces to just magically appear one day, and all at the same time. be patient, don't defeat yourself before the pieces even find you. focus on what you have now and what you want to get and you'll find out how to get there with time.
and don't worry about this economy. everyone thought the great depression was the end of whatever and humans do bounce back, despite the mistakes we make. i was worried about it too earlier this year - so much i started crying in class. college is the best place to be right now. you can't get fired, you're living practically rent free, no real worries except keeping up with your schoolwork. enjoy this time you have now because once you become a working adult, you'll wish you were right back in school. i know we will jump back from this. if you're worried about the job market 4-5 years ago, study the market. you want a secure job, and a secure job that pays well? computer science, engineering, and medicine are careers that are ALWAYS growing and will ALWAYS have plenty of job openings.
first thing you need to do is stop even THINKING about giving up. you don't have any choice but to do what you need to do and do it damn well. you have no other option than to succeed, so why try to give yourself options that shouldn't exist in the first place and ones that make you settle for way less than you deserve? just don't do it.
idk how you'll take this, but i hope it'll help you in some way.