With all the things I'm learning and experiencing, I'm finding it hard to basically be a normal teenager. I'm just not interested in parties, social life, or even meeting people [unless they can get on my level intellectually].
Idk. My mindset is just so different from everyone around me. And they're all cool people but we're on different levels right now.
Sometimes I think I'll just ignore my radical ideas when I start working. Like I'll loose hope in the cause, like this is a phase.
I can fake it. I can pretend that everything is cool, believe in the American Dream. I can right? I mean people ignore the truth all the time. I can do it right?
I've felt like I was running from my mind all weekend, and in the process I completely closed myself off from people. This was a really isolated weekend. I spent most of it alone with my thoughts. But I didn't want to think. I didn't/don't want to think about the future, what's going to happen where America is going.
I listened to music, took walks, went to a softball game, contemplated taking benadryl just to keep from thinking about it all.
I haven't talked to anyone except Ashely in days. I've been wanting to talk, while simultaneously pushing people away, and not knowing what to say.
How do you explain that America is a lie? That everything we're taught is an elaborate scheme to keep the world in the hands of the rich? How do you say that without people looking at you crazy? Without feeling crazy? If you're the only sane person, does that make you crazy?
I feel like I've solved the world's problems in my head, but I'm scared to even voice the issue.
What does it feel like to be normal? To not have to worry about it, feel isolated in my own mind
I'm in a bad headspace. Because I'm isolated socially; and its part my own doing, part I don't know.
I actually want to go home, like I'm kind of homesick. And I'm starting to hate the weekends if you can believe that. Its true though, my weekends a lot of time put me in this space because everyone I know is a party animal, and that's not me; major things on my mind or not. But in college you're so expected to party. I just don't like doing it. I'm not comfortable at parties at all.
Actually being in class is the only thing keeping me sane I think. Maybe I'll take the month off. Just ignore all the thoughts and be superficial.
And then I get emotional. For what? For no reason. I feel like I'm loosing control of my life right now. Like I'm loosing my life, but gaining all this knowledge. So is it worth it? There has to be balance between social and mental right? Between reason and spirit?
I still feel like I'm running from my thoughts. I mean its a burden, to think about all this shit. I can understand why people start using drugs when thoughts become too much. I want to be high so bad right now but I'm resisting [actually easy to do because I'm broke].
A combination of too much conscious thinking and being a social fucktard, plus having way too much pride. Like I can't just swallow it and go in the room and talk because I already feel like I fucked up the weekend.
I feel like a stranger in my own house, which is why I wanna be home so bad.
Its actually like everything is making too much sense, and its driving me nuts.
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