This Post Is About Me

This post is about me.
Okay first of all I have to thank anyone who stayed around long enough to even read this. I've been MIA pretty much all summer. I don't have a good reason for that. But since I'm not one of those bloggers who even checks up on how many followers I have I'm really writing this just because that's what I'm expected to do.

Now back to the blog. This post is about me. More specifically my aversion to anything social. First it should be pointed out that I'm a college student. I am expected to party and network and make friends and all of the above. I am actually incapable of such tasks to a certain extent. Meeting new people is like an extremely awkward meeting between you and one of your teachers at a gay strip club. And they're stripping. These conversations end up being me desperately trying to find my footing and struggling to come up with words that will come out as normal or are socially acceptable. Many people are fluent in small talk. I am not.
Okay I'm exaggerating a little bit. But it is very hard for me to meet people, remember people, and generally be seen as friendly. I think its because I over-analyze every situation. And while I'm analyzing I have this scowl on my face that turns people away.
So lately I've been coming up with a ton of reasons why its okay for me to be in my room on a friday night at 10 o'clock with no plans. Mainly reasons like 'who needs people anyway all they do is use you', or 'I'm just going to chill tonight'. When in reality I would be relieved to be invited somewhere or have actual plans (even though from experience, 'plans' rarely go accordingly and while everyone else is just going with the flow I'm secretly micro-managing).

My biggest problem with this whole situation is not that I feel like I don't have friends. I can actually deal with that because I think of friends as relative, and I feel like I have great friends back home, that make up for all of that. My biggest problem isn't feeling like people who I was friends with last year are forgetting all about me, nor is it feeling like a loser when I don't know who someone's talking about when they say 'oh do you know Johnny? or Jessica?'.
My biggest problem with all of this introvertedness is how fucking fluent and charming I am when I'm in a comfortable situation i.e. with someone I know, or in class, or even when I'm writing. It is truly ridiculous that I can give elegant speeches during class but the minute that student-teacher structure is gone I can't even answer simple questions. It's a cruel and unfair trait that I can charm the pants off of people I know in one-on-one situations, but when it comes to people I don't know I respond with primal grunts and gestures. Its ridiculous that I can write words and concepts and ideas and conversations that I could never have in real life because I'm just too incapable. That is just fucking cruel and I find myself wondering what I did to deserve this.

If this is some sort of cosmic irony, just know I don't find it entertaining, or endearing or even 'worth overcoming.' If there is some forcefield around me preventing me from being a normal, casual human, someone should let me know. I don't think anyone deserves to be this confused/lost/strange when it comes to social interactions.

Theories on Religion: The Culture of Church

I volunteered to go to a Church conference with my mom this past weekend. It was a free hotel stay, and nice scenery in the valley's of Virginia and I really needed the break away from everything. But while I was there of course I questioned EVERYTHING. Its really become a habit that I'm proud of. Even when I'm just watching TV. So what I questioned this weekend was the presence of an Apostle, who was doing all this 'touch and be healed', or 'touch and be filled with the holy spirit' prayer. So of course my mom forced me up to be prayed for, and while she was crying and screaming in what I call an extremely dramatic fashion, I was thinking, questioning, wondering, and faking that I was praying.

I came up with this idea that all these ladies around here 'filled with the spirit' might just be doing all these theatrics, out of necessity, or repetition. Maybe these are learned behaviors. Then I checked myself, I mean who would just be crying for no reason like that. Well it may not be for no reason. The tears and emotion may be real, just not caused by the presence of the 'holy spirit'. These women (because the majority of the time it is women, the men don't cry and lay out) have been hurt. They have memories, and pain, and experiences that make them emotional. I think what happens is these 'apostles' and 'preachers' take advantage of the knowledge that most women have been hurt, raped, lied to, lied on, and betrayed. And the women never know better, and they're blinded by that hurt, plus they never think to question it.

So when my mom dragged me up there I noticed a feeling in my gut. But it didn't make me fall out when the lady touched me (what she really did was roll my head around, and push me backward so I'd fall out; I didn't). The feeling was anxiety, nervousness, fear because of what might happen, and because of all the people around me. I had my eyes closed and literally it felt like I was inside the microphone.

Theories on Race: Racism, White Privalege, and The People's Institute

So I just came from a discussion about racism. It got very heated, especially on the white end. And I just wanted to share some of the ideas.
So the lady was basically presenting her organization The People's Institute  which is a complete anti-racism corporation. So she started out by telling us the philosophy of the organization and their definitions of racism. I'd rather not go through the entire discussion, instead I'll just say some of the things I disagreed with and why, you know major things. So here we go:

1. Her organization's definition of racism generally made all whites racist because they had white privilege. I agree that white people have privilege, and that race was created to keep this privilege to white people. I don't think that because white people have privilege they're racist, but they can perpetuate racism by taking advantage of the privilege and/or not realizing they have them.

The white people in the discussion were upset by this, and you could tell they didn't consider themselves racist. I understand their being angry because the organizer was a bit abrasive by calling ALL white's racist unless they rejected their privilege and came down to the level of people of color.

2. The presenter was right about it being a very emotional discussion and something that has to be brought to light in order for racism to be completely eradicated. I think a lot of the white people were taking to heart what she was saying about being racist, and not understanding or disregarding her point about white privilege. There was a lot of tension in the discussion because black people were frustrated trying to explain white privilege, and we were all frustrated trying to understand her approach to it all.

Just Some Thoughts: A Jumbled Mess

With all the things I'm learning and experiencing, I'm finding it hard to basically be a normal teenager. I'm just not interested in parties, social life, or even meeting people [unless they can get on my level intellectually].
Idk. My mindset is just so different from everyone around me. And they're all cool people but we're on different levels right now.
Sometimes I think I'll just ignore my radical ideas when I start working. Like I'll loose hope in the cause, like this is a phase.
I can fake it. I can pretend that everything is cool, believe in the American Dream. I can right? I mean people ignore the truth all the time. I can do it right?
I've felt like I was running from my mind all weekend, and in the process I completely closed myself off from people. This was a really isolated weekend. I spent most of it alone with my thoughts. But I didn't want to think. I didn't/don't want to think about the future, what's going to happen where America is going.
I listened to music, took walks, went to a softball game, contemplated taking benadryl just to keep from thinking about it all.
I haven't talked to anyone except Ashely in days. I've been wanting to talk, while simultaneously pushing people away, and not knowing what to say.
How do you explain that America is a lie? That everything we're taught is an elaborate scheme to keep the world in the hands of the rich? How do you say that without people looking at you crazy? Without feeling crazy? If you're the only sane person, does that make you crazy?
I feel like I've solved the world's problems in my head, but I'm scared to even voice the issue.
What does it feel like to be normal? To not have to worry about it, feel isolated in my own mind
I'm in a bad headspace. Because I'm isolated socially; and its part my own doing, part I don't know.
I actually want to go home, like I'm kind of homesick. And I'm starting to hate the weekends if you can believe that. Its true though, my weekends a lot of time put me in this space because everyone I know is a party animal, and that's not me; major things on my mind or not. But in college you're so expected to party. I just don't like doing it. I'm not comfortable at parties at all. 
Actually being in class is the only thing keeping me sane I think. Maybe I'll take the month off. Just ignore all the thoughts and be superficial.
And then I get emotional. For what? For no reason. I feel like I'm loosing control of my life right now. Like I'm loosing my life, but gaining all this knowledge. So is it worth it? There has to be balance between social and mental right? Between reason and spirit?
I still feel like I'm running from my thoughts. I mean its a burden, to think about all this shit. I can understand why people start using drugs when thoughts become too much. I want to be high so bad right now but I'm resisting [actually easy to do because I'm broke].
A combination of too much conscious thinking and being a social fucktard, plus having way too much pride. Like I can't just swallow it and go in the room and talk because I already feel like I fucked up the weekend.
I feel like a stranger in my own house, which is why I wanna be home so bad.
Its actually like everything is making too much sense, and its driving me nuts. 

Theories on Society: 'Groupthink' and Culture

This post is definitely inspired by Erykah's Window Seat video, and all the controversy surrounding it. On her twitter she brought up the theory of groupthink, coined by William H. Whyte an American urbanist, organizational analyst, journalist and people-watcher. 


So the idea of groupthink is that people give up their individuality to be part of a larger group. They stop asking questions for fear of upsetting the balance of the group. 


But groupthink is just an extension of culture's affect on humans, almost like an extreme culture scenario. The idea of groupthink is an example of what happens in American culture. In many groups the individual is overshadowed by the group. Like in corporate business doing whatever it takes to make money is what the group does, but as an individual you might feel like doing certain things aren't worth it. Groupthink says you won't voice that, or even acknowledge it inside of you because you don't want to make vibrations in the group (your other business partners/ peers). I mean why would you? They'll look at you like you're crazy ya know. 


Its all a big product of our culture. I can't even put into valid words how epic it is for people to understand what American culture is really all about.

Theories on Society: Rejecting the Culture That is You

I've been studying culture a lot lately. Its been a subject in 5 of my 6 classes and the basic conclusion is that we are slaves to our cultures. Our culture pre-determines everything for us. It tells us what is cool, what's healthy, what's good or bad, and what's beautiful or not. It even affects how we look at other cultures in such a way that we are judgmental if the other culture doesn't meet standards of our culture.

On top of that, almost everything presented to us as good through society brings a profit to someone. All the things promoted as cool are multibillion dollar industries: Nike, North Face, the Music Industry, vegetarianism, gym memberships, smoking, the hipster movement (through the clothes), Apple, High Fashion and name brands. These things we think are cool because thats whats promoted. Its promoted because its paid for. Millions go into advertising because ads tell us what's cool. If somebody paid enough money to promote Light-up superhero shoes as cool, the next generation would wear them faithfully (i say the next generation because our generation is influenced by our culture and we'd still see them as such).

My main question during all these discussions was how do you get rid of it? How do you null the agreement you made with your culture to live by its standards? How do you create a you that doesn't have to abide by the laws set up by culture?

Theories on Race: The Idea of Racial Classification

I had a great discussion in my English class today. We're talking about identity because we have to write a paper about it, so race is a big part of that. Today we were discussing how race really isn't a good way to classify people because it bases its differences on minor physical traits like skin color, hair texture, and facial features. These things aren't major characteristics that classify people as being more or less human, they're more of an over-time development (people in Africa would procreate with other people in africa so their traits mixed and got passed down). In theory a 'black' person with straight hair could have had children with a 'black' person with coiled hair and the coiled hair trait got passed down. Not because its a determining/ difference-making physical characteristic, but an evolutionary one.

Anyway, I digress; People were saying that categorizing is inherently bad and it only excludes people, but categories are necessary for human interaction (this is in direct relation to schemas if you've ever taken a psych class). The world is too big for us to understand it in its small parts so we put things together and understand them as groups. So I came up with the theory that the categories aren't the problem, its the definitions of the category. If you define your categories using stereotypes and assumptions, your view of the group becomes very limited. If you define your categories with facts then you can add all of the individual characteristics of a person in order to define them by their terms, and understand them better.

Now that brings up the question of what are the facts that should be used to define your categories? What facts are there about race? Because race isn't a biological thing, there are very little facts. So I'll break it down..

Ode To My Girlfriend

If My Feelings Were Songs....

“i know a girl, she puts the color inside my world” “a beautiful package whats even better whats inside it"  “when i’m lost i try to find you, you know to give me space when its time to"

“and it feels so beautiful, put it in a song cuz it feels so musical”

“don’t sweat the small stuff girl, cuz we both giants i looked into ya eyes and i seen divine vibrance”

“let the world rage outside, cuz when i’m here with you the world stops for me”

“its kinda fresh she listen to more than hip hop i can catch her in the mix from beauty to thrift shop”

“you want love we’ll make it, swim in a deep sea of blankets”

“the simplest way i can put it, you become a habit, the more i consume the more i gotta have it”

“checkin on you make sure you’re okay, be the one to brighten up your day”

“for your love i’m down to go all the way”

“i know i’m young but if i had to chose her or the sun i’d be one nocturnal son of a gun”

Everything I Have To Say About Music Right Now

1.BET & MTV- MTV originally stood for Music Television, well in case no one notice, the music is GONE. Do they still show those videos in the a.m. for wakeup? I know late nights is full of reality tv and celebrity spinoffs with people dying for their 15 minutes of fame. BET is the same thing, its already full of bullshit (106, Buppies, Judge Mathis, and their own brand of reality shows) but on top of that all they play is Everybody Hates Chris or The Game, ps. there's wayyy more black shows. Even old school Sister Sister, Girlfriends or Smart Guy would be acceptable, switch it up a lil. And what happened to all those DJ shows that used to come on after 106? (106 for the masses and Underground DJ for the lovers). So officially, if you have basic cable there are NO music channels for you to watch; sorry.

2. The State Of Music Today is horrible. Gucci needs a speech class and is only listenable when its a collab, Wayne recycles his verses, Soulja Boy is a JOKE, Wacka got shot for his chain (and will probably get millions of fans for it), Young Money is more like the gang of rejects (minus Drake), Nicki Minaj is THE WORST representation of a female rapper I have ever known. The rappers who really mean something are underplayed and unappreciated which leads me toooo...

3. My Recent Download Escapades have led me to some wonderful discoveries that have also restored my hope in the rap game. Charles Hamilton, Curren$y, Wale, Nipsey Hussle, Wiz Khalifa, Nneka, new Kid Cudi collabs, and new Lupe! If these artists/projects aren't shot down by the man and reprocessed into something the stomach's of the general population can handle, then real music still has a chance.

Theories on Education; "I Don't Know How To Put It Into Words"

Why? Why is it that you don't know how to articulate yourself. Is your vocabulary limited? Is your range of thinking limited? Do you have emotional issues and don't know how to properly express yourself?

Twice today, I heard this same exact phrase. In a college classroom that's highly unacceptable. I heard it a lot in high school too, even by some people close to me whom I thought were on a different level intellectually.

What is it about society (because its definately a product of society) that makes it hard for people to articulate? Is it the hours spent in silence on the computer, or the music that expresses our feelings for us so we don't have to? Are we just not trying? Unmotivated to express because we think no one is listening?

From an educator's point of view it has to be a struggle getting kids to cooperate when they can just use this outlet "I don't know how to describe it", or "I know it I just can't put it into words". See to a kid that's just enough to reassure the teacher that they may have read or done the assignment, but not enough that they have to bear their soul or actually speak up in class. Do they see that as a problem? That kids are stifling behind masks of understanding and words they don't know how to expell are choking the life out of them.

Oh but we as students can express everything but whats needed in class. We can talk about how much we hate this or love that artist. We can argue fluently about basketball teams, or pop stars but when it come to academic expression we're mute. Where is the gap? What is getting in the way of true educational freedom and expression?

Theories on Education; A Look at Greg Mortenson and Girls Education

I recently went to a presentation by a man by the name of Greg Mortenson. This American humanitarian went to Afghanistan, Iraq, and Pakistan and is fighting illiteracy with ferocious vigor by building schools in the rural areas. A majority of his schools are built for girls which is a really difficult undertaking because of radical Islamic tradition that women don't go to school.

One of the things that stuck out the most to me was this theory:

"If you teach a boy you educate an individual, but if you teach a girl you educate a community"

He pointed out that when girls go to school they bring the education back to their parents and especially their children. Mortenson said that when girls were educated the population of some places leveled off because they were less likely to get married/ reproduce early. This kind of thing is especially relevant in places like Africa and Afghanistan where girls are married off by the age of 12 to start a family.

In the middle east where Mortenson's work is centered the Taliban sponsor many schools that center their education in hatred of the Western world and strict religious adherence. These schools do little to educate students about other worldly matters or even basic fundamentals (in Mortenson's book, many of the teachers in these schools didn't even know how to read or write).

A little known fact is that in order to join the Taliban (the terror group organized by radical Muslims responsible for 9/11) a young man must have his mother's permission. When I first heard that I had to ask myself what kind of mother would let her child join that kind of organization. Well the answer is an uneducated one. The more education a woman has the more she will know about what's going on around her. Therefore she wouldn't allow it.

This was really his whole point; that through education we could curb the Taliban and other radical groups from the ground up.

Then I began to realize that we in America (especially in urban areas) have a similar issue (on the topic of population control). Our rate of teenage pregnancy could be directly linked to lack of education. I don't mean fundamental education because we have that, by the time these girls get pregnant they at least know how to read and write, but they have serious deficiencies in knowledge of the world around them and their own emotional workings (as our societies get more complex our education will have to get complex too, simple english, math, science, history won't be enough).

So one way to fight this battle is, starting from a young age, focusing a lot more on self reflection and knowledge, along with worldly knowledge. Especially a practical knowlege such as that learned in a Family and Consumer Sciences class. Classes that teach how to file taxes, getting jobs, taking care of children and managing a household. This kind of education in combination with focus on the internal being could help reduce teenage pregnancy.

College Thoughts: Part II

So its been a full semester at college and its only right that I write about everything I've learned, how I've grown and what I expect to learn next semester.

First I learned that living with people is tough, and people are shady. Well I already knew all that but theres a difference between knowing and experiencing. It was hard living with 7 other girls. Thats an experience I will never forget. We clashed about dishes, late night guests, illegalities, and overall cleaning habits. Since we all share space we had to come to agreements about cleaning and some parties broke the agreements. As of now nothing has been done about it but we'll see what happens next semester.

I learned that when it comes to school you have to make sacrifices to get the grade. I sacrificed sleep, parties, fun, and relationships but it had to be done. I woke up at ungodly hours and went to class. Sometimes I took losses, but in the end I won the war.

I think one of the best things I learned was that some friends are priceless. And you really may have to open yourself up to it in order to experience them. I did that and so far its great. I made some really great friends [also my roommates] and I feel like I can really relate to them. We sat in the cafeteria and talked for hours about everything going on around us and I honestly felt like they got me. So I'm really looking forward to progressing in that department because I already love these girls.

I think one of my more important lessons is that a long distance relationship is possible. I would say I got lucky but it really wasn't easy. There were times when all I wanted to do was be back home holding my gf. There were times when she needed me and I couldn't be there. I missed her a lot, she missed me a lot but we got through it, we had to skype and text constantly but it worked. Finally getting to see her this break was long-coming and much needed. It just goes to show that if you really want the relationship to work out it will. Plus three of my other roommates were in long-distance relationships so that gave me a lot of courage.

As for what I'm looking forward to; well everything. I've got a great new camera, renewed energy and I'm going into the 6month mark with an amazing girl. I'm looking forward to all to come, new adventures with my roommates and new levels with my gf. Bring on the next semester.

Avatar in Relation to Richard Wright 'Native Son'

I recently read this article about how the new movie Avatar and other movies from Hollywood show racist themes. The main theme being a white hero saving a non-white race.In Avatar the white main character saved the Na'vi people, [Na'vi being a wayyy too close a resemblance to Native American for me, but I digress] and basically became the hero. Seeing as it was created by white people, people are saying the movie plays out the age-old assumption that white people are the messiah's to non-white civilizations [whites thought they were 'saving' Africans from savagery, European crusaders thought they were 'saving' other non-Catholic civilizations]. This is an assumption made by white people about white people. Basically from a white person's point of view they are doing a good thing, but in all other non-white people's eyes its not as good.


Ahh the link.

While reading 'Native Son' by Richard Wright, there was a similar link in how white people perceive themselves. The main white characters tried befriending a young black boy [the main black character] in Chicago during segregation. They thought they were being so noble and inviting but what they were really doing was scaring the boy, and driving him crazy wondering at their intentions [so crazy in fact that he killed the main white girl].

See the connection yet?

Its not necessarily racism, just white people misunderstanding their role in they eyes of non-white people. Its really a conceited way that these whites think of themselves and its portrayed in the movies Hollywood. Whites doing such seemingly great things for people who either don't want it [Indians, Africans, non-Catholics] or are portrayed as being not able to do for themselves.

The Problem of Feel-Good TV Shows

I like shows like Extreme Home Makeover where they help people who are struggling or making a difference in other people's lives. I think its really heartwarming and generous and the families always deserve it ya know. Anyway today I realized that no matter how much good those shows do, and how many families they help it still doesn't mask the fact that there are companies making money off of it. I mean honestly the whole thing is one big commercial. And yeah they're doing good, but it kinda makes it less pure if its for money. The whole reason I even started thinking about it was my dad...

We're watching the show and my dad is just being sooooo negative. He was all 'oh they get a house but can't pay the mortgage', and 'they got a free ford and then there's a ford commercial. what a coincidence', 'all she does is run a daycare? they can find better than that. she didn't earn it'. And it just pissed me off. Like why be so negative? Like was he jealous? Did he just really feel the need to burst our feel good bubble? Or was he just right? Well I really got upset and told him off, basically to the tune of 'if you're not gonna relax and watch the show leave'.

 But honestly, he's kind of right. No matter how much good these shows do, they're still making money from publicity. And yes that's selfish. But you shouldn't let that overshadow the good that the show does. I mean, a lot of things in life are about intentions. People have good or bad intentions and no one but the person and whatever higher power THEY answer to know what those intentions are. So if someone is doing something because they know they'll get air time, or publicity, or money their judgement will come.Its not up to us to judge their intentions. We can enjoy the good they bring all we want. So dad was right and I was right.

I was righter though =]

A Quick Note to Readers

Got a new camera for Christmas sooo I'll try to use my own photography a lot more.

My favorites I'll keep updated somewhere on the page for your enjoyment but I'd rather keep my personal enlightenment separate from the photography hobby so photo posts will be on my tumblr.

So if you wanna see more check there.