No really. I guess I joked about thinking I was anti social, but being here at orientation is making me really think about it. Am I just being shy for no reason, or is this really a problem? Idk anymore. I could just be taking it too seriously and being too hard on myelf. I mean, a lot of people here are being just as shy as me, or at least they're acting like they are. Do I have a right to be shy in this situation and at this moment? I will admit Im not being nearly as shy as usual, I mean Im talking to people, but Im still not all the way comfortable with people if that makes sense. So yeah, i've been reading Black Boy, by Richard Wright and its basically his autobiography. It really goes in depth about why he couldn't act like he was expected to around white people. Basically his upbringing made it difficult for him to hold his tongue and regard whites as superior. Well its got me wondering what the hell kinda upbringing I had that makes me so weird around people. Is it because as a kid my mom always spoke for me and introduced me to people? Idk, maybe its genetics and I really do have more in common with my dad than I like to think. He's really shy too, but those are things you really have to get over in the working world. Im just gonna hope that this is a product of a wack group and roommates I have nothing in common with for now. Idk it feels weird now but I also feel like with my real roommates it won't be this bad. *crosses fingers and hopes the shyness passes*

Stranger.

Its weird right. Seeing people you know after graduation. You'd think it'd be a big hug fest right, but it never is. I saw one of my classmates at the grocery store and it was just blah. Made me feel exactly like a stranger. Made me feel like I never knew her at all, and in all honesty I didn't. I saw some more of my classmates at the train station. These were the big-time kids, the ones who were all in to fashion and appearances. Yeah one of the guys was my best friend's prom date. The other guy I sat across from for a whole year of College Summit. Both parties (meaning me and them alike) walked right past each other without saying anything. But then what could we have said? It just woulda been mad awkward seeing as they don't know me all that well nor do I know them that well. My whole senior year was about change and introspection. My whole year was spent getting to know myself, and becoming a better person. I spent so much time with myself that I neglected the possibility of close relationships. And one of my all time excuses is that I'm shy. Blah Blah, its getting old and tired. Something else I told people a lot was that the more 'friends' the more drama, and I was damn right about that one. I had zero drama for the entire year, but I also have zero friends that I hang out with now. Idk, is it really worth the drama? Either way I feel like a stranger when I'm around my classmates.

But what makes things worse is that I feel like a stranger in my own house. My parents have no idea who I am as a person. My dad makes fun of the fact that I like poetry, and that I go to all these boho places in the city. He does all this on the offhand chance that I might give up the poetic spirit and get a career based in science. Yeah fucking right. I was ecstatic to tell him about the new books I got from the library, and the score on my AP test. I was all 'dad I got some new books from the library', and he goes 'what happens to you getting a job'. Convo dead. Nothing I ever do is good enough. So I just stop trying.

As for my mom, she walks around with a permanent scowl plastered to her face and an air of depression surrounding her. Every time you try to talk to her, she always sees the downside. Idk if she realizes how stifling that is to me and my sister. But then again, do I always realize the kind of pressure she's under? I feel like we can at least make a compromise: we as kids can take more of the pressure off of her, and she can try to not be so depressing all the time. I especially feel like a stranger to my mom. Ever since I came out to her, she's been suspicious of everything I do. I can't hang out with friends without getting harassed by her. I understand you want to know what I was doing, but if you were more open I could be more open. I'd love to be able to talk to my mom about girl issues, but I fear she'd have an aneurysm.

I'm Uncle Phil, I Switch Wifey Like Every Season...

"So I Guess That Makes You Aunt Viv Until You Take So Much That You
Can't Give......... "

So I told my gf that I wanted to take a break like a week ago. She hasn't been blowing me up like usual. I know its probably killing her, but she tried to hit me with that bullshit, talkin bout she love when she doesn't know what the fuck love is. So she said 'I think I love you' and I said 'yeah we need to take a break.' She say 'what you mean by break?'. I say 'I mean I need to be single for a while, we could get back together we could not'. (I wasn't tryna be harsh but I was trying to be honest). So today she texts me like 'so do you love me?'. I didn't text back. I'm sitting on the beach thinking, this girl doesn't even know me. She doesn't know any of the stuff I've been through that even make me the person she claims to love. She doesn't know I write poetry, she doesn't know ME. She knows who she wants me to be though. Then she texts me like all this crap about how she's feeling me but she's pissed because I said I need a break. First of all love is patient, so if she did love me it would hurt that I needed a break but she'd be understanding and supportive don't you think?
--And believe it or not, this happens to me a lot. And I swear I'm not trying to be cocky. Girls think they fall in love just because someone is nice, or treats them like a lady, or is a sweetheart. But that's how someone is supposed to treat them, period. That's the trademark characteristic of a little girl. They're too trusting.--
Anyway the break is on, and I'll probably explain it to her and of course she won't get it, and of course she'll be angry forever. When she grows up she will thank me, because she will know better.