STOP.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE EX IS HERE!!!
That's right people. My infamous ex is back. Yeah you know the one I love/d with all my heart and wanted to give the world to. Yeah the one I couldn't stop caring about even if I tried. OOOOhhhh geesh. I don't even know what to write. I care about her more than I care about me. Her happiness means more to me than I can even explain.
So I wrote a note of facebook pinpointing some important people in my life and she was one of em. She commented on the note to the means of 'its never too late to pick up where we started'. Well I called her and we were just rapping for the most part. Something we haven't done in the longest time. I was a little bit nervous, so I didn't outright ask her what I wanted to. When I finally got around to talking about it she said she wanted me. But there are so many things getting in the way of us just being happy together like we should have been for two years already. I mean I'm going to college in NY, she's going to college here, she works, she lives in DC, and OH YEAH! I HAVE A FUCKIN GIRLFRIEND!!!
Shit. She could not have worse timing. Like I love that girl to death, but I can't just up and drop the girlfriend because that just isn't fair. There was a time two years ago when I would've just dropped any girl to have her back. I've moved past that and I don't plan on going back to that stage of getting over her. I still love my ex with my whole entire being and I really would like the chance to be with her again, but like she said, she doesn't want to put herself in that situation to have 'the summer of her life' and then I'm just gone. Its very understandable, and I wouldn't want to put her in that place.
Moving on. Sunday I didn't go to church with mom I went to downtown DC and rode around on my bike with padre. It was pretty great. I enjoyed the excersise, the fresh air, the people. It kinda blew me that random ass pedestrians wanna walk slow as shit when I'm tryna ride a bike behind em. And I started noticing a different kind of look from people. I'm used to getting the 'is that a guy or girl look', or the nose turned up 'at a youngster' look, even the 'black' look you get from white people sometimes when they aren't trying to supress it. The look I got though was a 'Oh my gosh a black girl with her father' look. Like people were so surprised to see a black father still in his child's life. It was an awkward look for me to get. Someone would look at me then at my dad then at our bikes then back at my dad like they didn't believe he was my real father or like they were expecting him to dissappear into thin air. I like going out with my dad. I never have to worry about what I'm wearing like I do with my mom. He never makes me feel like less of a person by the way he looks at me.
In other news I'm working hard as hell to get a job. Looks like I'll be working at six flags. Now a lot of people are looking at me like I'm crazy; 17 years old and working at a theme park with a bunch of 15 year olds? Well six flags money is just as good as anywhere else's so I'm damn sure gonna spend it. Only problem is all this fucking red tape I gotta go through with getting a work permit. This is the most ridiculous shit ever. I was already blown because I thought since I was 17 I wouldn't have to get one, but I had to get an application for the permit from the school. Then I had to go to six flags and have them fill out some information. Then I have to put that information on this pg county website, and get a recipt to say I imput the information. Next I have to take the application and the recipt back to the school. Now its gonna take another two days for the school to verify the work permit. And I have to do that every time I get a job. Its just so unnessesary and frustrating. I was done with all of six flags' other shit like the interview and drug test. If I was 18 I could have started working this sunday and would have had my first check on friday. Now I'll have to wait at least until Thursday for the work permit and sunday to go through training. Its such bullshit. I'm already out of school so why do I have to get a work permit? I think my parents' signature should be enough. Hopefully I can work there of get some lifegaurd gig within the next week.
Upcoming events! Prom is saturday, gettin my hair done tomorrow and nails done thursday [ugh]. I'm excited even though my mom hasn't started my dress yet. lol. I'm not worried though. Um graduation the 8th, and I'm trying to have a cookout or something. Idk how that's gonna work because I have too many friends to exclude some. I'll figure something out.
May 19, 2009
So Even My Dreams Are Socially Charged??
*I'm up early, writing this because I had a really weird dream and I don't wanna forget it.
It was summer in my neighborhood and this really pretty girl kept popping up in my house. Like I'd be in the kitchen and see her out of the corner of my eye or something then she'd disappear out of the house. It was really wierd because I'm wondering how the hell she got in my house. At the time I thought she was spanish or something.
Then one day I cought her before she left the house. I'm trying to figure out where she came from and she keeps telling me she lives in the neighborhood that she just moved in and can't remember which house is hers. So we have some spanish neighbors that live diagonal from us and I point to that house and ask her if that's where she lives. She says no and points to a house two doors down from mine. Her mom and grandma [I think] come out of the house yelling in some foreign language that was NOT spanish.
Then my friend Denzel comes out of the house too. I'm like 'yoo that's my mans!'. I get kinda happy because I didn't know he lived there and whatnot. I'm like 'dude that's your sister?' because Denzel [I thought] is black. He's like yeah, and I'm like woah because all this time I thought she was spanish so how in the hell did she get a black brother? Then he explains that he's dominican, not black. Coulda fooled me.
Next thing I know my little sister is out there playing with the spanish kids from across the way, and Denzel's other sisters while me and D sit on my front porch watching. I notice that the spanish kids are giving the dominican kids these outfits, and they're made of all wool it looks like. So I'm just watching wondering why my sister didn't get one since they're all friends and all playing together. She doesn't notice it. [The dream gets fuzzy here]
From what I remember now my sis and I were fighting because I noticed that the dominican family was treating her differently than they treated the spanish family. It was really weird because she wanted to defend them but I don't really remember much else except getting into an argument with the Dominican grandmother, and something about a comic in the newspaper.... Dammit.
Anyway the reason I say this is socially charged is because in the African diaspora, slaves were taken all over the America's. The very last thing I learned in African American History is that in the Dominican Republic their government tried to expell all african-ness from the country. So those who had darker skin, even if they were born in the Dominican Republic, were sent out of the country and denied citizenship. Even now they use every word other than black to describe themselves.
I think the spanish family was in the dream because I was watching Def Poetry Jam and there was a guy who spit this poem called 'Jibero, My Beautiful Nigga'. It was about the link between spanish people and black people. It was a binding poem and even though I didn't really know what it was about beacuse a lot of it was in spanish, I understood the concept that even spanish people are descendants from Africans and that we really are all closer than we think. Since I don't have school I think I'm gonna do some research about the diaspora in the Dominican and Latin America.
It was summer in my neighborhood and this really pretty girl kept popping up in my house. Like I'd be in the kitchen and see her out of the corner of my eye or something then she'd disappear out of the house. It was really wierd because I'm wondering how the hell she got in my house. At the time I thought she was spanish or something.
Then one day I cought her before she left the house. I'm trying to figure out where she came from and she keeps telling me she lives in the neighborhood that she just moved in and can't remember which house is hers. So we have some spanish neighbors that live diagonal from us and I point to that house and ask her if that's where she lives. She says no and points to a house two doors down from mine. Her mom and grandma [I think] come out of the house yelling in some foreign language that was NOT spanish.
Then my friend Denzel comes out of the house too. I'm like 'yoo that's my mans!'. I get kinda happy because I didn't know he lived there and whatnot. I'm like 'dude that's your sister?' because Denzel [I thought] is black. He's like yeah, and I'm like woah because all this time I thought she was spanish so how in the hell did she get a black brother? Then he explains that he's dominican, not black. Coulda fooled me.
Next thing I know my little sister is out there playing with the spanish kids from across the way, and Denzel's other sisters while me and D sit on my front porch watching. I notice that the spanish kids are giving the dominican kids these outfits, and they're made of all wool it looks like. So I'm just watching wondering why my sister didn't get one since they're all friends and all playing together. She doesn't notice it. [The dream gets fuzzy here]
From what I remember now my sis and I were fighting because I noticed that the dominican family was treating her differently than they treated the spanish family. It was really weird because she wanted to defend them but I don't really remember much else except getting into an argument with the Dominican grandmother, and something about a comic in the newspaper.... Dammit.
Anyway the reason I say this is socially charged is because in the African diaspora, slaves were taken all over the America's. The very last thing I learned in African American History is that in the Dominican Republic their government tried to expell all african-ness from the country. So those who had darker skin, even if they were born in the Dominican Republic, were sent out of the country and denied citizenship. Even now they use every word other than black to describe themselves.
I think the spanish family was in the dream because I was watching Def Poetry Jam and there was a guy who spit this poem called 'Jibero, My Beautiful Nigga'. It was about the link between spanish people and black people. It was a binding poem and even though I didn't really know what it was about beacuse a lot of it was in spanish, I understood the concept that even spanish people are descendants from Africans and that we really are all closer than we think. Since I don't have school I think I'm gonna do some research about the diaspora in the Dominican and Latin America.
May 18, 2009
Binding/FTM/S4S
Since I'm out of school now [whoo!!], I have all this free time to research and waste time. I decided to research something that was actually worth my time! As I said I looked up the info about binding and numero uno: I found a way to bind well enough for me right now. I think it was on ftmguide.org. Basically took some old spandex bike shorts and cut a hole in the seat then put em on upside down. It worked to an extent. Under a small t-shirt [like the ones I wear on a regular basis] it looks like a regular sports bra, but I put a thermal T over it and it looked great! So that was almost the highlight of my day. I probably won't use that now that its summer because I would have to layer too much. As soon as I did it, I realized how much I actually like my breasts so I'll wait on getting a real binder.
So I kept researching and learned about packers and stp's. Also something I think I'll try, just not now. Then I started watching videos on youtube about ftm's and stp's [crazy o.c. with the acronyms lol]. And the best thing happened. I actually thought in my head about the guy in the video as a guy. In my head I used the pronoun 'he', before the video even started. It felt good to think that without having to think about it. It was like no part of me wanted to call him 'her'.
Next video I watched wasn't exactly about stp's and binding, it was more of a vlog. But the guy was talking about his transition from lesbianism to manhood. It was pretty interesting because he talked about his own struggle to accept his masculinity. I'm not considering transitioning myself, right now, but if you just look at everything they have to go through you'd probably reconsider whining about how hard it is to be black, young, or a woman. There's always a minority. The things we think are so important are so small in the scope of the universe. People in other countries are killed for even thinking about, maybe liking someone of their same sex. We've come so far from that. I'm not saying we should settle and stop the fight here, but we should definitely learn to appreciate what we already have.
Now when I say appreciate what we have I don't mean appreciate bits and pieces of it. I mean appreciate the s4s, f4f, ftm, mtf, queer, bi, fag, hag,stag, and every other little category you choose to identify with. If you're not going to accept s4s you may as well not accept the lgbtq community at all.
I don't know how many people know it but s4s are actually necessary for a successful lgbtq society. A society isn't complete without the presence of social deviance [mainly s4s, in the lesbian community]. Social deviance is the violation of social norms such as stereotypical stud-femme relationships. Its hard to define social deviance because ,as we see on downelink, not everyone agrees what is or is not deviant behavior. Some think s4s is wrong, some don't.
The proof that s4s is indeed a form of social deviance is the community's reaction to it. All societies have ways to promote order, stability, and predictability. Ways the community tries to control the deviant behavior is through social sanctions such as ridicule, criticism or gossip. These are innate ways the community as a whole tries to curb the social deviance.
The deviant behavior can become an accepted part of the society. Every sub-society has to make its way to become a part of the bigger society so if you look at it, that's what s4s is doing now. But something else will take its place when everyone else accepts it. Something else has to take the place of socially deviant because that behavior actually builds community, reminds people of something they value, and promotes social change. Deviance clarifies the norms that exist in a society, and with time the society will re-define and adjust those norms to include what was once a deviant behavior.
That's why I don't argue about it. It has to happen for us to move on.
So I kept researching and learned about packers and stp's. Also something I think I'll try, just not now. Then I started watching videos on youtube about ftm's and stp's [crazy o.c. with the acronyms lol]. And the best thing happened. I actually thought in my head about the guy in the video as a guy. In my head I used the pronoun 'he', before the video even started. It felt good to think that without having to think about it. It was like no part of me wanted to call him 'her'.
Next video I watched wasn't exactly about stp's and binding, it was more of a vlog. But the guy was talking about his transition from lesbianism to manhood. It was pretty interesting because he talked about his own struggle to accept his masculinity. I'm not considering transitioning myself, right now, but if you just look at everything they have to go through you'd probably reconsider whining about how hard it is to be black, young, or a woman. There's always a minority. The things we think are so important are so small in the scope of the universe. People in other countries are killed for even thinking about, maybe liking someone of their same sex. We've come so far from that. I'm not saying we should settle and stop the fight here, but we should definitely learn to appreciate what we already have.
Now when I say appreciate what we have I don't mean appreciate bits and pieces of it. I mean appreciate the s4s, f4f, ftm, mtf, queer, bi, fag, hag,stag, and every other little category you choose to identify with. If you're not going to accept s4s you may as well not accept the lgbtq community at all.
I don't know how many people know it but s4s are actually necessary for a successful lgbtq society. A society isn't complete without the presence of social deviance [mainly s4s, in the lesbian community]. Social deviance is the violation of social norms such as stereotypical stud-femme relationships. Its hard to define social deviance because ,as we see on downelink, not everyone agrees what is or is not deviant behavior. Some think s4s is wrong, some don't.
The proof that s4s is indeed a form of social deviance is the community's reaction to it. All societies have ways to promote order, stability, and predictability. Ways the community tries to control the deviant behavior is through social sanctions such as ridicule, criticism or gossip. These are innate ways the community as a whole tries to curb the social deviance.
The deviant behavior can become an accepted part of the society. Every sub-society has to make its way to become a part of the bigger society so if you look at it, that's what s4s is doing now. But something else will take its place when everyone else accepts it. Something else has to take the place of socially deviant because that behavior actually builds community, reminds people of something they value, and promotes social change. Deviance clarifies the norms that exist in a society, and with time the society will re-define and adjust those norms to include what was once a deviant behavior.
That's why I don't argue about it. It has to happen for us to move on.
Damnnn It Pays To Be Organized!!! (and other random happenings)
Man senior checkout was pretty hectic, but the highlight of it all was my band checkout. Our director was like he had to sign out on our marching band uniforms and most people kept their shit all over the place. I always put my uniform back in the right place and it was always neat so when it came to me checking it in I felt great. It wasn't that great of an accomplishment but it felt really good that my organization had really payed off.
Umm in other news my older sister came to town for the weekend. It was pretty fun I suppose. It made me realize that I really am growing into myself because the old me would have been in my feelings about some of the stuff she said. My sis isn't exactly reserved when she talks to anyone, and the wrong person could get their feelings hurt if they take her words to heart. The wrong person just happened to be our little sister. They were talking about something and my younger sis said something smart, so my older sis kinda kirked on her. Lil sis got in her feelings something slight and mom kinda had to mediate. I could see it all happening because my younger sis really looks up to big sis and basically her word is law. Anything she says baby sis will take really seriously and think she has to do that. I on the other hand, have become somthing like my own person so when she says slick stuff to me I can just brush it off. I think that made me enjoy her stay even more.
Hmm saturday I went to the gf's house while her parents weren't home. Uh we were gonna 'chill' then go to our friend's birthday dinner. I got there around 5, the dinner wasn't till 7. But yeah, shawty was playin with me. First off we were on the phone while I was driving there and she talkin bout she gotta take a shower. I was cool with that. I got there and she opened the door in some boxers and a bra. I was cool with that. Then she's talkin bout what is she gonna wear, and oh I gotta get in the shower. Blah blah. I was cool with that. I'm tryna help her pick out something to wear to the dinner. She starts the shower and asks me about wearing heels. I was cool with that. So she's going through her closet trying on shoes, and I gotta say a woman in heels is one of my weaknesses. So here I am, sitting on her bed, her in a towel and some black pumps. I was cool with that. She finally gets in the shower, and comes out drippin wet. Of course I beat it. Fuck am I supposed to do? Shit was nice. She loved it so I was good. So yeah we go to dinner and it was fun. Had a good time with her, and she didn't do too much. It was kind of annoying because with this group of friends I'm used to being the 'funny person' and since she was there I had to spend an equal amount of time boo-loving. I was cool with that. After dinner we just sat in the car and talked. There was a lot going on in both of our minds and we sorta got it out, but as always I kept some of it in to avoid an unnessesary conflict. I dropped her off home and that was that.
Uhhh sunday I went to church with madre and my sisters. Mom came in the room off the early and asked me to wear a dress. I complied with no argument. Of course mom thought I had an attitude, but there was no way I was even gonna try to argue out of that one. After church the first lady took us to lunch. We went to this really cool chinese restaurant where they cook the food in front of you. Man it was awesome. I loved every minute of it. The chef was soo funny too. I definately wanna take the gf there as soon as I get some money. I came home and me and the gf were talking and I fell asleep. She makes a huge deal about it saying 'she can't keep my attention'. blah. I was just tired. Get over it.
Sigh. Today is my first day out of school. I've been moderately productive. I addressed my grad announcements and made some extra ones for other people madre wanted to have one. Other than that I've been chilling. Listening to music and eating. I could probably gain 15 pounds by the time graduation is here if I stay in the house every day. I don't plan on doing that but it feels good to be able to sit around the house all day. Um I need to call the bestie so we can figure out what we're doing this week. I also gotta do this housing survey and pick my meal plan for st. john's. Uhhh gf had to take hsa's today and the rest of the week. I really don't know how long this is going to last because she called me today talking about how much she misses me and how she can't concentrate and asking when I'm coming up to the school. blah. Its super nice outside. I think I'm gonna work on skateboarding.
I really really need to start getting into a routine. I want to get back in shape, find a job and get some reading done. I'm thinking of running every morning. I ran some mornings last summer but I didn't do it consistantly. I really want to be consistant with it though. I have no clue how to motivate myself though. I figure that if I get a job that will give me motivation to run because I'll have money to spend on clothes that will look good on an in-shape body. Lol. Gotta find a job first though. After I finish this blog I'm gonna put in mad applications, and send off my announcements. I also need to write in to my administrator so I can get more tickets for graduation. I have 10 now, and I need about 15 more. Hopefully a lot of my family members will come. That would be really exciting. I want a job first though. Lately I've been feeling like a burden on my mom. There's a lot of places I want to go that I need money for and I always ask her. I'm sick of being a parasite. I WANT to provide for myself. I want to have money. I welcome having to pay for gas, and paying my own bills. I don't want to be so sheltered anymore, getting everything I want. Its just not where I want to be in my life.
Umm in other news my older sister came to town for the weekend. It was pretty fun I suppose. It made me realize that I really am growing into myself because the old me would have been in my feelings about some of the stuff she said. My sis isn't exactly reserved when she talks to anyone, and the wrong person could get their feelings hurt if they take her words to heart. The wrong person just happened to be our little sister. They were talking about something and my younger sis said something smart, so my older sis kinda kirked on her. Lil sis got in her feelings something slight and mom kinda had to mediate. I could see it all happening because my younger sis really looks up to big sis and basically her word is law. Anything she says baby sis will take really seriously and think she has to do that. I on the other hand, have become somthing like my own person so when she says slick stuff to me I can just brush it off. I think that made me enjoy her stay even more.
Hmm saturday I went to the gf's house while her parents weren't home. Uh we were gonna 'chill' then go to our friend's birthday dinner. I got there around 5, the dinner wasn't till 7. But yeah, shawty was playin with me. First off we were on the phone while I was driving there and she talkin bout she gotta take a shower. I was cool with that. I got there and she opened the door in some boxers and a bra. I was cool with that. Then she's talkin bout what is she gonna wear, and oh I gotta get in the shower. Blah blah. I was cool with that. I'm tryna help her pick out something to wear to the dinner. She starts the shower and asks me about wearing heels. I was cool with that. So she's going through her closet trying on shoes, and I gotta say a woman in heels is one of my weaknesses. So here I am, sitting on her bed, her in a towel and some black pumps. I was cool with that. She finally gets in the shower, and comes out drippin wet. Of course I beat it. Fuck am I supposed to do? Shit was nice. She loved it so I was good. So yeah we go to dinner and it was fun. Had a good time with her, and she didn't do too much. It was kind of annoying because with this group of friends I'm used to being the 'funny person' and since she was there I had to spend an equal amount of time boo-loving. I was cool with that. After dinner we just sat in the car and talked. There was a lot going on in both of our minds and we sorta got it out, but as always I kept some of it in to avoid an unnessesary conflict. I dropped her off home and that was that.
Uhhh sunday I went to church with madre and my sisters. Mom came in the room off the early and asked me to wear a dress. I complied with no argument. Of course mom thought I had an attitude, but there was no way I was even gonna try to argue out of that one. After church the first lady took us to lunch. We went to this really cool chinese restaurant where they cook the food in front of you. Man it was awesome. I loved every minute of it. The chef was soo funny too. I definately wanna take the gf there as soon as I get some money. I came home and me and the gf were talking and I fell asleep. She makes a huge deal about it saying 'she can't keep my attention'. blah. I was just tired. Get over it.
Sigh. Today is my first day out of school. I've been moderately productive. I addressed my grad announcements and made some extra ones for other people madre wanted to have one. Other than that I've been chilling. Listening to music and eating. I could probably gain 15 pounds by the time graduation is here if I stay in the house every day. I don't plan on doing that but it feels good to be able to sit around the house all day. Um I need to call the bestie so we can figure out what we're doing this week. I also gotta do this housing survey and pick my meal plan for st. john's. Uhhh gf had to take hsa's today and the rest of the week. I really don't know how long this is going to last because she called me today talking about how much she misses me and how she can't concentrate and asking when I'm coming up to the school. blah. Its super nice outside. I think I'm gonna work on skateboarding.
I really really need to start getting into a routine. I want to get back in shape, find a job and get some reading done. I'm thinking of running every morning. I ran some mornings last summer but I didn't do it consistantly. I really want to be consistant with it though. I have no clue how to motivate myself though. I figure that if I get a job that will give me motivation to run because I'll have money to spend on clothes that will look good on an in-shape body. Lol. Gotta find a job first though. After I finish this blog I'm gonna put in mad applications, and send off my announcements. I also need to write in to my administrator so I can get more tickets for graduation. I have 10 now, and I need about 15 more. Hopefully a lot of my family members will come. That would be really exciting. I want a job first though. Lately I've been feeling like a burden on my mom. There's a lot of places I want to go that I need money for and I always ask her. I'm sick of being a parasite. I WANT to provide for myself. I want to have money. I welcome having to pay for gas, and paying my own bills. I don't want to be so sheltered anymore, getting everything I want. Its just not where I want to be in my life.
May 13, 2009
I don't have a religion. Is that the same as not having a faith? My lit class was discussing The Road by Cormac McCarthy and we're talkin about what we would do in a post apocalyptic world. A lot of people said they would try to survive but I don't see a point in trying to survive if there's really nothing left in the world. I really think I would just off myself. Its not the first time thought that either. When watching movies and stuff about the end of the world or some bad happening i always say i would rather die. Does that speak to my faith or lack thereof? Does my lack of religion connect to a lack of hope? Or are my classmates just disillusioned by their religion. They kept saying they wouldn't kill themselves because they'd go to a better place, but I don't think heaven is real so there would be no point in waiting. Who's right? Im looking at the situation realistically. There's literally nothing. No food no hope. Why put yourself through that? Its just unnecessary. Im wondering if this mindset speaks to my psyche or my lack of religion. Is there something wrong with me that makes me not want to try or am i
I right in not wanting to put myself through that? I got no clue.
I right in not wanting to put myself through that? I got no clue.
May 12, 2009
Hypocrite
Jeeesssuuss I feel like such a hypocrite. I kinda accidentally told my girl I love her (after 4 days) and I got love for her or whatever but I'm not like in love with her. Thing is after you say it you can't take it back. She keeps telling me I'm contradicting myself and I am because like two days ago I told her I didn't want us moving too fast and I didn't want her to fall in love with me and get all clingy.
Yo what the fuck?!!
Then I went back to read one of my friends' blogs about dating younger people and I come across my response to it. Here's what I said:
My current girlfriend, the one I told I love after only 4 days, is friggin 16. I just want to smack the shit out of myself for this dumb shit. I could rationalize and tell myself that the me who posted the response on my friend's blog was younger and didn't understand, or wasn't fully developed but for what?
I posted that 3 months ago. Now here I am dating a 16year old. Geesh these are the issues I have with myself...
Anyways I didn't really mean to tell her I love her. And once again I could rationalize and tell myself well I do have love for her, I'm just not IN love with her. Blah fuckin blah. Its all bullshit. The honest to god truth is that I said it because I didn't want her to be mad at me for some dumb shit I did. I'm really feeling her but its not there yet. Its just so much worse because I was the one all adamant about not catching feelings for her and not being in love. I know. Its just completely wrong. But am I going to tell her the honest truth? Nope. Know why? Because I'm not the superhero. I am the villain.
I've been having this argument with myself for a while now. I come off as the knight in shining armor who comes to save the girl, and I play that role for the most part. After that I become the villain. I do dirt.
Now when I say I become the villain I mean that I do things that I know are wrong. Like I will tell you I love you without thinking, just to get out of trouble. And there's the real trickery, because you'll be so infatuated with the fact that I just told you I love you that you don't see that I was lying. So I guess I'm a hypocritical supervillain?
Geesh. I wish I could take back what i said to her. Not that it couldn't happen, just not now. I gotta explain it all to her.
Yo what the fuck?!!
Then I went back to read one of my friends' blogs about dating younger people and I come across my response to it. Here's what I said:
Get the fuck outta here!?!
Honestly I think age makes a pretty big difference. I'm only 17, but I don't like dating girls younger than me, and I only tolerate girls my age for the most part. The mentality just isn't there with younger girls. They're very immature relationship-wise and I've found they're more close-minded. Its not even a bad thing because they're young and they should act like little girls, make mistakes and take the wrong things too seriously. If you expect a 16year old to act like a 20year old, then you will be dissapointed because no matter how mature she claims to be she's still only 16.
Posted by OFF.Brand from mobile, 02/18/09 06:56 PM delete
My current girlfriend, the one I told I love after only 4 days, is friggin 16. I just want to smack the shit out of myself for this dumb shit. I could rationalize and tell myself that the me who posted the response on my friend's blog was younger and didn't understand, or wasn't fully developed but for what?
I posted that 3 months ago. Now here I am dating a 16year old. Geesh these are the issues I have with myself...
Anyways I didn't really mean to tell her I love her. And once again I could rationalize and tell myself well I do have love for her, I'm just not IN love with her. Blah fuckin blah. Its all bullshit. The honest to god truth is that I said it because I didn't want her to be mad at me for some dumb shit I did. I'm really feeling her but its not there yet. Its just so much worse because I was the one all adamant about not catching feelings for her and not being in love. I know. Its just completely wrong. But am I going to tell her the honest truth? Nope. Know why? Because I'm not the superhero. I am the villain.
I've been having this argument with myself for a while now. I come off as the knight in shining armor who comes to save the girl, and I play that role for the most part. After that I become the villain. I do dirt.
Now when I say I become the villain I mean that I do things that I know are wrong. Like I will tell you I love you without thinking, just to get out of trouble. And there's the real trickery, because you'll be so infatuated with the fact that I just told you I love you that you don't see that I was lying. So I guess I'm a hypocritical supervillain?
Geesh. I wish I could take back what i said to her. Not that it couldn't happen, just not now. I gotta explain it all to her.
May 11, 2009
Mobile Test
So I'm testing out this mobile posting. Um I don't really like texting long stuff on my phone cuz even with t9 its a lot of work. I
wondering if when i write something that's more than one text if it will post it as more than one blog. That would suck. Um Im in my sociology class. I love what i learn in this class but hate the other students. They're such conformists. It bothers me to be like the only one to notice this kind of stuff and take it seriously. I like staying after this class and talkin to my Teacher. She seems so cool. Not gonna stay after today though because Im hungry and i gotta check out the rest of my books and classes. Umm this was pretty random. Guess i'll stop now..Oh yeah Idk how to add a subject to my texts and i figure that's how you get a title, so this is gonna be title-less...greeatttt
wondering if when i write something that's more than one text if it will post it as more than one blog. That would suck. Um Im in my sociology class. I love what i learn in this class but hate the other students. They're such conformists. It bothers me to be like the only one to notice this kind of stuff and take it seriously. I like staying after this class and talkin to my Teacher. She seems so cool. Not gonna stay after today though because Im hungry and i gotta check out the rest of my books and classes. Umm this was pretty random. Guess i'll stop now..Oh yeah Idk how to add a subject to my texts and i figure that's how you get a title, so this is gonna be title-less...greeatttt
May 10, 2009
Yup Thats My Girlfriend...
Got a new one, its been like a year since the last one.
We're like official, with the titles and everything.
She's young, but not immature. Bold but not brash.
I like her. I didn't tell her we'd stay together when I go to school, but I didn't say we'd break up either. I really don't know what will happen.
I'm not gonna lie, she bugs the shit outta me sometimes. She gets in her feelings a lot, and she's selfish sometimes. Either I haven't been in a relationship for a while and shit changed or she is just too much for me to handle.
Honesty she makes me want to be a sweetheart. She makes me want to take care of her, hold her, kiss her, and be all around gentle. She makes me smile when I see her.
But then she texts me a thousand times a day talkin' bout how much she misses me, when I just walked her to class. So what am I supposed to do? Not text her back? I mean I guess I just don't miss her like that or I just don't feel the need to text her to death. Its like she's not even giving me time to miss her.
That's what it is. Because I'd really miss her if we didn't talk for a day or if I didn't see her, but since we constantly text and see each other I don't miss her. Hmmm
Idk if I can tell her that though. Like when I try to tell her stuff she either reads wayy too much into it or doesn't get it so I drop it. I don't wanna say something and cause some drama to have her in her feelings because I don't want to deal with that.
Am I running from emotions? Hmmm maybe. I like this girl but I don't like having to talk to her all the time. I like my space.
She says I make her feel ways she's never felt before and such, but its got me wondering if I am really a superhero or supervillian. Am I the wolf in sheep's clothing? I seem like this great girlfriend and such, but this shit is monotonous. All these girls are the same, they fall quick and get left fast. I don't want that to happen with her, but I can see it already.
Why me? Why do I have to be the sweetheart? Why am I always the one to save the damsel in distress? Why am I the way out??
These girls find me and I treat them no different than how I believe a girl should be treated then all of a sudden I'm amazing. They just don't get that everyone should treat them that way and its not so special. Its a lovehate thing. I love treating girls the way I do, but they get too clingy so I run.
Blah blah, I been rappin. So for now she's my girl. I think imma tell her to chill out with the lovey dovey mess. Maybe.
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