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May 12, 2009

Hypocrite

Jeeesssuuss I feel like such a hypocrite. I kinda accidentally told my girl I love her (after 4 days) and I got love for her or whatever but I'm not like in love with her. Thing is after you say it you can't take it back. She keeps telling me I'm contradicting myself and I am because like two days ago I told her I didn't want us moving too fast and I didn't want her to fall in love with me and get all clingy.

Yo what the fuck?!!

Then I went back to read one of my friends' blogs about dating younger people and I come across my response to it. Here's what I said:

Honestly I think age makes a pretty big difference. I'm only 17, but I don't like dating girls younger than me, and I only tolerate girls my age for the most part. The mentality just isn't there with younger girls. They're very immature relationship-wise and I've found they're more close-minded. Its not even a bad thing because they're young and they should act like little girls, make mistakes and take the wrong things too seriously. If you expect a 16year old to act like a 20year old, then you will be dissapointed because no matter how mature she claims to be she's still only 16.

Posted by OFF.Brand from mobile, 02/18/09 06:56 PM delete
Get the fuck outta here!?!

My current girlfriend, the one I told I love after only 4 days, is friggin 16. I just want to smack the shit out of myself for this dumb shit. I could rationalize and tell myself that the me who posted the response on my friend's blog was younger and didn't understand, or wasn't fully developed but for what?

I posted that 3 months ago. Now here I am dating a 16year old. Geesh these are the issues I have with myself...

Anyways I didn't really mean to tell her I love her. And once again I could rationalize and tell myself well I do have love for her, I'm just not IN love with her. Blah fuckin blah. Its all bullshit. The honest to god truth is that I said it because I didn't want her to be mad at me for some dumb shit I did. I'm really feeling her but its not there yet. Its just so much worse because I was the one all adamant about not catching feelings for her and not being in love. I know. Its just completely wrong. But am I going to tell her the honest truth? Nope. Know why? Because I'm not the superhero. I am the villain.

I've been having this argument with myself for a while now. I come off as the knight in shining armor who comes to save the girl, and I play that role for the most part. After that I become the villain. I do dirt.

Now when I say I become the villain I mean that I do things that I know are wrong. Like I will tell you I love you without thinking, just to get out of trouble. And there's the real trickery, because you'll be so infatuated with the fact that I just told you I love you that you don't see that I was lying. So I guess I'm a hypocritical supervillain?

Geesh. I wish I could take back what i said to her. Not that it couldn't happen, just not now. I gotta explain it all to her.

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