Just Some [More] Thoughts

I never had a mentor. Always wanted one though. Like a big sister figure, that was into the same stuff as me. Blah. Short-lived dreams; women are to self-centered, too insecure, to commit to that kind of thing.

My gf liked her Christmas gift. THANK GOD. That smile on her face was electric. I live for that.

The other day I was having a real internal conflict, long story short I really wanted to be mad at my mom for the whole situation, but realistically it was my fault. One part of my subconscious knew that and was like okay chill,  no need to stay mad its whatever, but the other side was just sooo pissed off. Like I was really angry at her. So I'm pretty sure it was conflict between my ego, superego and id, but I can't figure out which was which. I looked it up and all but Wikipedia isn't so descriptive.

Everybody Hates Chris is a friggin great show lol.

I've always wanted to celebrate Kwanza.

Is it possible to know someone better than they know themself? I mean I barely know myself (something I am not proud of) so how can anyone else know me?

You never appreciate your sanity until you loose it, or you witness someone else loose theirs.

I wanna go back to Spit Dat, but its kinda cold, and getting a ride is hectic with my mom.

Sometimes I feel conflict when I blog more than I write in my journal.

Just Some Thoughts

I should probably take my dreams a little more seriously. In general they all have some spy element to them. I'm a spy, mom and dad are spy's I'm trying to save the world kind of thing. Not sure if its a future, past, or present thing but either way I should take them seriously. At least I write them down.

So this relationship I'm in now is just about the most trying one ever. And not trying because my gf nags, or is insecure or anything but because she holds me to a much higher standard than ANY girl I've ever dated. She expects things from me that I don't even expect from myself. And that scares me because my dad does it. And to him I just never measure up. I realized that fear always creeps up on me and I end up not trying my best. Recently it got a little rocky because I wasn't romantic enough, wasn't communicating properly, plus the general stress of a long-distance relationship. Basically what I thought of as trying my best wasn't meeting her standards. Or maybe I wasn't trying my best and thought I was. IDK. All I do know, is that I thought about it a lot. I thought about it constantly and got nowhere (which seems to happen a lot). It was like every conversation put me on edge. I didn't know if I would say something wrong or whatever.The worst part was knowing that as happy as she made me, I wasn't making her feel the same way. Basically it ended up with her apologizing and me committing to forget all about it. Man honestly when she texted me saying sorry it was so relieving. But that's where it is now. I really didn't change anything so I'm determined to do that over the break. Small changes, different than the ones I already did and see where that gets me.

Sometimes I hate people without giving them a chance (especially with guys), and sometimes I dislike people after I've known them for a while. I really started to not like my roommates this week because they were all over the place, smoking every night and always having people over instead of studying for finals and being respectful of people's study time. Anyway I had to realize that people come from different backgrounds that I may never know and I can't just change my whole perception of them based off of one instance.

Sometimes, well a lot of times I wonder if I make sense when I write or think, because I feel like I contradict myself a lot.

I've started some short stories but I feel like they're wayyyyyy too simple, as far as character depth and description in general.

This is the first Christmas I've spent real money, my money that is, on gifts. Three cheers for growing up.

I finished my first semester at college. Don't know my grades yet, but I'm not worried. I'm pretty sure I'm going to transfer to UMD next year, unless some act of God happens, because I really can't afford this school. It was good while it lasted though. I'm already seeing the plus side of UMD; closer to home, I can get a car, closer to my gf (and yes that means I plan on being with her next year), less expensive, and lately I've been thinking about changing my major to some sort of engineering because I just don't want to take the chance of getting into a field where I can't make money and support a family.

My roommate introduced me to John Mayer and I think I'm in love. Such feel-good music. I love it. Can't wait to get home and download like craazyyyyy!

I've Got A Love/ Hate Relationship.....

With PG county.

Wanna know why? Its because there is so much negativity, and so much genuine talent and ability wasted.

So I was on the train going home and two girls who looked about 16 or 17 got on with a boy about 13/14. Now I was listening to my zune so I didn't hear what was going on but the next thing I know the girl is smacking the book from the hands of the man sitting behind her. So he hits her with the book. And of course she pops off. Her friend jumps up and the boy, and they've pretty much got the guy surrounded. And I hear them through the music and he calls her a bitch which only makes the situation worse and she tries to throw his briefcase on the floor. So he gets up and moves, and the kids sit back down and start laughing at the whole thing. They get off maybe two stops later and the white guy is talking to some other people on the train about it, and they're all laughing and encouraging the dude.

So two problems here:
1. The fact that a grown man is even entertaining the attention getting, attitude-having antics of a 17 year old girl. That is NOT okay. It is not okay for a grown man to call a child a bitch ever. Its not okay for him to entertain that. Really dude? You feel like its necessary to retaliate to the antics of a child? That I really don't understand. And then the fact that the people were laughing and encouraging him. I mean I don't care what she did, she's a CHILD. And if you start giving in to little manipulations of children then you're not fit to be an adult.
2. The fact that the girl did that shit was not cool. It wasn't. I mean on this whole topic I'm not particularly on anyone's side. I think what happened is that the guys book was hitting her because of the bumpy ride. So she hits back. This is the kind of thing that goes on all the time in PG. People, kids in general, are time-bombs. Anything and everything sets them off. There's so much hostility in the county in general and the kids feed on it. They never get out of the county so they don't know any better

And this is the realization. And then I started thinking about this episode of southpark where they made the civilization of SeaPeople. And they created their own cultures and such but eventually blew themselves up.

So I'm thinking PG is something like that. Its like someone's experiment, "ohh I wonder what happens if you keep a group of black people in one place and never expose them to the real world.."

Well, they create their own culture (gogo), and thrive for a while then eventually destroy themselves (through neighborhood fighting/ black on black crime/ AIDS/ perpetuating broken families). Yup, that sounds about right.

So this is why I hate PG.
But then again I love it because I grew up here. I learned here, people are familiar here, attitudes are familiar. But honestly when I come home I feel like an outsider. I feel so different from other people who live here and grew up here, but thats for another blog (likely to follow).

Saturday Night Soul Searching

The more I'm here at college and the more I think about it the more I realize that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. And the more i think about that the more I realize that the only reason I even pretend like I'm here, on my shit, doing what I have to do to make something out of my life is to assuage my own fear that I have absolutely no direction.

The Raw Truth is I have no clue what I want to do with my life.

The Raw Truth is I can't find a job now and with the current economy the chance that I'll find one in four years is even lower.

The Raw Truth is that right now I can barely afford metrofare.
The Raw Truth is that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this and I always feel really distant when I feel this way.

The Raw Truth is I'm spending my parents money in an attempt to get a college degree, but I don't even know for what.

The Raw Truth is that I think all the time how much better I'm doing than a lot of kids here and I've got my shit together because my grades look good right now, and because I'm keeping my nose clean and staying out of trouble, but in reality I'd rather be an any position but mine (and yeah I know the grass always looks greener on the other side, but excuse me for being human and wanting shit regardless of what I already know)

The Raw Truth is I didn't do everything I should have/could have to get scholarships and grants so I wouldn't be in this situation.

The Raw Truth is that I hate having to ask my parents for money and I'd rather lie to my roommates than tell them how broke I am.

The Raw Truth is I still don't have any ride-or-die friends here.

The Raw Truth is that I push all these thoughts out of my mind because I'd rather not deal with it all.

Coming to face all of this is really difficult. Its so hard to look myself in the face and say I fucked up. But I have to. I have to in order to change it. Because I NEED better. I HAVE to be better than this. I feel so low all the time because the weight of all this stuff is tremendous. I give up all the time because its easier to not try and pretend I don't care than try and fail.

Its hard because I'm writing this with every intention to change things, but even now I'm scared that I'll punk out and slip right back into the place I don't want to be. I'm pretty sure this is what they mean when they say people go to college and 'find themselves'. But I feel like I am THE ONLY person in the WORLD going through this. And I've studied psychology and sociology and i KNOW the reason I feel like that is because people at my age are self-centered and can't really see outside themselves. I Know That, and I still can't see outside myself. I understand the situation objectively, but I still can't fix it objectively.

Really there's only a couple of things I know to be true as of now

I know I want to help people with my life work

I know I want to build a family

I know I want to be finacially independant/stable

I know I want to own property

But where do you go from there? What can I do to get there? I'm lost. And thats the Raw Truth.

Theories on Education; Corporate America and the Media

OHMYGOD!

In case you didn't know media is screwing America's kids over every day. There's an elaborate plan out there called 'make kids think they need stuff they don't need, to be accepted'. And I knew about it to one extent. I knew about part of it and was aware, and stayed away from those things but these people don't stop with just kids. These guys, target babies. They target babies! They make babies grow up addicted to stuff like TV, video games and internet. Then they rob babies and toddlers of their imagination. All for a quick buck! How sheisty is this shit?!

So I was reading on Yahoo, and I happend on this interview with some lady and she was talking about how 'playing' for kids, has become more like "press a button and watch the toy have more fun than you" (she was talking about TickleMe Elmo specifically). But its so true, how your kid gonna have a toy that does more than the kid has to do? And if the kid doesn't have to do anything what's the point. But I swear to god it looks so fun on TV right? Be looking like those kids are havin a ball! But thats for all of 5 minutes and next thing you know they're bored. So you gotta buy new, more exciting things to entertain them. And its not even just the toys. Its the fact that you have the toys, and you have the shows related to the toys. The characters are already embedded in the kids heads'. They don't have to make up names, scenarios, friends, anything. They are having it all fed to them by corporate America.

A kid who has never had to be creative and imagine anything outside what's given to them grows up with an incredible disability. They won't have the skills they need to think critically, feel empowered to take action, and develop solutions to problems; all the things you need to make a stand in a Democratic society (clearly Corp. America knows this, and they don't want your kids to take a stand because if they do, buisnesses can't do what they want). The way kids work things out when they're little is by playing pretend. If they don't need to pretend in order to work something out, because its already worked out for them, you're not raising a kid anymore just a machine; trained in how to handle everything, by the TV.

Its bigger than just TV, I mean TV is fine in moderation. Its what happens when TV is all the kid does. They live in that world. The difference in a kid watching TV then going outside and playing out the whole show is that they have to come up with scenarios, they have to create.

I know its hard to even wrap your head around, because I'm even having a hard time articulating it. I mean how can toys be harmful to a kid? Its not a negative thing, but in everyday context it can be.

"We’ve reached a point where nurturing creative play is actually counter-cultural. Creative play is actually a threat to corporate profits. Children who play creatively don’t need as many of the things corporations sell to us, they’re not as dependent on them."- Susan Linn

and here's the link, read the article for yourself http://babble.com/susan-linn-kids-dont-play/index.aspx

A Little Self-Realization

Well I feel like I've been growing a lot since college in the shyness area. I mean I'm not being as shy as usual. But I am definately still reserved, and I'm coming to see that as not being such a bad thing. I pride myself on being careful of the people I let in my life, and how deep someone gets to know me. I realize this has pros and cons, but overall I'm okay with it. I feel like my roommates have a little bit of my personality, but not nearly the full thing. They haven't experienced the deeper,more emotional side of me, and why do they need to right now? I mean realationships are just forming. Why should I expose myself to them now? There's no need for it really. Why do they need to know about the things I think about, feel, experience? I mean if it doesn't pertain to them I really don't need to tell 'em. I am so much more than what I portray. If they want to know more I feel like they'll ask, and if they don't ask I shouldn't have to tell em. Why waste my time expressing myself to someone who couldn't care less, who didn't have an interest to begin with.
In another aspect I'm reserved about the general people I associate myself with too. I mean birds of a feather and all that jazz. This is collge, I make the decisions of who I want to keep company with. I don't HAVE to be friends with anyone. This is a completely empowering feeling. I mean, if someone isn't on their shit, I'm not fuckin with 'em. Yeah I got some goals I want to achieve, but for the most part I'm doin pretty good. I just know that the people I want to hang around are going to reflect me and I don't want to reflect anything but the best.

Theories on Education; Volunteer Mentoring

I have to do community service for my speech class and I decided to volunteer at a partnering school mentoring kids’ grades k-12. Today was my first day and I’ll just say it was really interesting. The school is in Brooklyn, apparently it’s an underprivileged school, but I don’t see how that’s true if it’s a private school and the kids have to pay tuition. Plus it’s like sponsored by my college which clearly has bread. But anyway, I’m thinkin’ we go in there and color or play games with some kindergarten kids and have a fun time, because you know kids’ say the darndest things. Lol. But it wasn’t exactly like that. The kids are about 13, in the 8th grade and pretty grown to say the least. The two girls and I talked about school and their grades, about places they’ve been, things they’re looking forward to and high school.

So apparently in New York you have to apply to high schools. There are high schools for performing arts, communications, science and all that. So both of the girls I was talking to wanted to apply for the performing arts high school. They’re talking about taking this test that’s going on their records for high school, blah blah. Then we talked about their classes now. And they were telling me how much they hate the private school they’re at now. I asked them why and they said because its ‘dead’ (their words not mine). I ask ‘em how its dead and they say because the classes are boring, there’s nothing for them to do, they don't have recess, they said the teachers aren’t bad they’re just not learning anything they find interesting. So I ask ‘em if they have music classes or foreign language classes and they didn’t. The only class they had other than the basics was gym. Now I remember middle school; and all through my middle school experience I was taking some kind of elective. I took French one year, band, tech ed., and gym another year, not to mention the host of after-school activities that my school sponsored. Basically, I had a full, well-rounded middle school experience and I felt prepared for high school. My middle school was public, and therefore state sponsored, but I don’t think that being a private school excuses the school from having events to keep the kids interested in coming to school. I mean if they’re not interested they’re not gonna do well regardless. And if someone at the school sees a need for whatever the kids need to succeed, and really wants it done I fully believe that they can do it.

What they said about school was so depressing. I asked them how their grades were and one of the girls said “I’m average”. I asked her what that meant and she shrugged, and said “I don’t do bad but I’m not that good”. I started asking her about her study habits and she was honest in telling me that she didn’t study that much. I asked her why not and she said because it was boring. Okay, true, we don’t spend time on things that aren’t interesting. So then I’m thinking about my criminal justice professor and how he said education was an important factor in middle class families so I start wondering if her parents encourage education and such, basically going off on tangents.

We talked about the places they’ve been next. Both of them have been out of the country once whereas I never have. So I’m like woah. And of course that got me thinking about how much I don’t know and how big the world is and how much I really have to learn and open myself up to. After that I’m thinking man these kids are already exposed to so much. They were talking about some party that the school throws for the kids and how there’s dancing and it gets ‘crazy’. I’m askin’ em what ‘crazy’ means and they won’t tell me, they just look at each other and laugh. You can assume for yourself what that means. I mean at that age yeah I guess I was doing stuff I shouldn’t too, but its different when you look at somebody else’s baby doing it.

So the problem I see is that no one sees the need, or no one really wants it done for the school. And that’s basically the point of this blog. There is a big lack of teachers who are REALLY concerned about the students and REALLY want them to succeed. I feel like a lot of teachers just happened into the career, and teaching should definitely be a passion. i’ve really been thinking about becoming a teacher but I’m just not sure if I want to try to support a family off what they make.

Regardless this experience was touching as hell. I will definitely be volunteering at that site on the regular.

Theories on Education; Social Classes

*original air of this blog was sept. 25th

So I’m on the way back home today. It’s been a long day already when I think about it. I had class starting at 8 and it was over by 12. Went to eat, and then rolled out. I’m hungry as hell right now. My bus didn’t leave until 3:30 but I got to the stop like an hour and a half early just to be sure. It was my first time riding the train by myself. I will admit I had a little freak-out: I thought I was on an express train that had passed 34th and Penn Station. But I wasn’t even out of Queens yet. Lol. Anyway, I get to Penn Station and have no idea where to go from there, but I figure it’s not actually inside the station. So being the genius I am, I look on my ticket and see the address where the bus stops. Yeah I know, kinda slow. But whatever. So I’m waiting and about four other buses load and pull off in the time I’m waiting. I didn’t even realize that Megabus went to more places than just D.C. I mean I knew it, I just wasn’t thinking about it. It might just be that I didn’t realize they went to other places from NY. Anywayysss finally ready to board the bus and lucky me I get a good seat. On top in the second row, with a really nice view. It’s pretty cool so far. There’s a really nice old lady sitting next to me and everything. Don’t underestimate them old ladies. Anyway. The subject of this blog isn’t even my bus experience; I just wanted to fill you guys in about it. Did I mention there’s Wi-Fi? Yeah there is. Took a little configuring to work it though.

So the subject here is my criminal justice class today. We’re talking about police, and how policing has changed over time. Like it used to have real political undertones. Basically the politicians picked police who would enforce their laws and scare people into voting for them. Then there was this era of policing where the police were just all about business. They weren’t courteous to citizens and they just wanted the facts basically. So he’s like if police are like that; really unfriendly, no one’s gonna want to report crimes. So during that time, someone had the idea to make sure police officers were educated. See before police were just average white-collar citizens. No formal education, just a high school diploma or equivalent. So someone’s like they want the police force to be middle class instead of working class, and you do that by educating them.

Dude had my attention here.

So he’s like the difference between middle class and working class isn’t money at all, its education. He’s like middle class have different attitudes too; like they’re less violent and less confrontational, plus they place more of a value on education. So of course this peaks my interest. And I’m wondering about that middle class, and about the rich class. It makes sense when you think about it. Middle class families often have one or more parent with a college degree or some education after high school.

Okay I get it to that extent, but what about rich homes? How are they rich if the adult has the same level of education as a middle class adult? Just because you’re rich doesn’t necessarily mean you have more education. Does it? If this is based on education, those rich guys who only have B.A.’s wouldn’t make it as far as they’re getting.

Idk, and what about the middle class? Middle class is defined as those who aren’t financially stable, but they aren’t below the national poverty line. These families have the same attitude of middle class families, just not the education. So if this class thing is based on attitude, missing class families who perform like middle class families will eventually get out of the missing class right?

So yeah, this is what has been on my mind as I waited on the bus, and while I was at lunch. And that’s really how I know I should be studying sociology or something. My criminal justice teacher says something about sociology and immediately I’m intrigued, and my mind gets a-workin’.

My Love For Common Revealed

The Light - Common

There are times.. when you'll need someone..

I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
Special for you, and me..

I never knew a luh, luh-luh, a love like this
Gotta be somethin for me to write this
Queen, I ain't seen you in a minute
Wrote this letter, and finally decide to send it
Signed sealed delivered for us to grow together
Love has no limit, let's spend it slow forever
I know your heart is weathered by what studs did to you
I ain't gon' assault em cause I probably did it too
Because of you, feelings I handle with care
Some niggaz recognize the light but they can't handle the glare
You know I ain't the type to walk around with matchin shirts
If relationship is effort I will match your work
I wanna be the one to make you happiest, it hurts you the most
They say the end is near, it's important that we close..
.. to the most, high
Regardless of what happen on him let's rely

There are times.. when you'll need someone..

I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
Special for you, and me..

 Yo, yo, check it
It's important, we communicate
and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch
I never call you my bitch or even my boo
There's so much in a name and so much more in you
Few understand the union of woman and man
And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land
But that's fly by night for you and the sky I write
For in these cold Chi night's moon, you my light
If heaven had a height, you would be that tall
Ghetto to coffee shop, through you I see that all
Let's stick to understandin and we won't fall
For better or worse times, I hope to me you call
So I pray everyday more than anything
friends will stay as we begin to lay
this foundation for a family - love ain't simple
Why can't it be anything worth having you work at annually
Granted we known each other for some time
It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine

Chorous: There are times,
when you'll need someone
I will be by your side
There is a light that shines
special for you and me

Yeah.. yo, yo, check it
It's kinda fresh you listen to more than hip-hop
and I can catch you in the mix from beauty to thrift shop
Plus you ship hop when it's time to, thinkin you fresh
Suggestin beats I should rhyme to
At times when I'm lost I try to find you
You know to give me space when it's time to
My heart's dictionary defines you, it's love and happiness
Truthfully it's hard tryin to practice abstinence
The time we committed love it was real good
Had to be for me to arrive and it still feel good
I know the sex ain't gon' keep you, but as my equal
it's how I must treat you
As my reflection in light I'ma lead you
And whatever's right, I'ma feed you
Digga-da, digga-da, digga-da, digga-digga-da-da
Yo I tell you the rest when I see you, peace

Chorous: There are times
when you'll need someone
I will be by your side.
There is a light that shines
special for you and me

*my favorite lines highlighted in red

I'm just gonna say I feel some kinda way about this song. Its like the song you listen to with your girl and both of yall thinkin the same thing. Or the song you listen to when your girl isn't around, but you see her face in your head. Its nothing to joke with. The lyrics really speak for it, but the first time I heard it I was surprised because I always heard the remix. The remix is cool, but this is on a whole different level. Its chill and sultry and everything great about Common. Erykah Badu being in the video just takes it there.

There's a lot of relationships that just aren't good for you and its up to you to determine if the relationship is harmful or not. Then its up to you to keep it going. If you're doing your part and everything is meant to be then shit should just flow. This song makes me love relationships again. It makes me want to be the best girlfriend I can, and Common in general is just an amazing artist. So if after this song, you don't understand why I think Common is the shit, just give up because you never will.

Priorites

Just when I thought I had my priorities straight this exhibit comes to my school all about genocide in Rwanda, Congo and Bosnia. I'm sitting in the room reading about how shitty meat is for you and all this other stuff, thinking "man I'm gonna get healthy. I'm not gonna eat meat or dairy" and blah blah. Then I go to this exhibit and it just changed my whole my mind. I mean food in amerika is processed, bullshitted, and fed to the masses, but how important is that, really, when girls in Rwanda are being raped and infected with HIV? when thousands of kids in the Congo are orphaned daily?

Yeah its really important to eat healthy. But how important is it compared to genocide? So what if I'm healthy if my life isn't contributing to helping these people live; helping people survive the legalized murder of their family, the rape of their children, and the theft of their humanity.

I'm REALLY having a conflict of priorites. I went to dinner after reading some of this book called "Skinny Bitch", (its all about food thats good for you or not good for you) and going to the art exhibit. I was torn between wanting to eat healthy, and not caring because the girls who got raped in Rwanda haven't eaten in days, and the little kids in Bosnia are hella hungry while I'm rejecting america's processed, growth hormone induced meats. Where's the justice?

So after I came from the exhibit I see all these people walking around with their heads up their asses, and I'm just like how do you justify that? How do you sleep at night in with a thousand dollars worth of shoes in your closet, and not give anything to someone less fortunate? How is it okay to take everything we are given for granted? How can I go back to normal after seeing that? How can I just go back to my $10,000 dorm, at my $45,000 school, get on my $1,000 laptop while texting on my hundred dollar phone and not feel guilty as shit? I do. I feel so ashamed to be using all of this while being encouraged to turn my head and pretend like I don't see SHIT. Just act like I didn't see it. Soon as I leave the building its like it never happens. How do you go back to laughing and joking about someone being fat, skinny, dark, even a hoe? Those girls were gang raped by militiamen. GANG RAPED. Cast out by the family they had left and we have the nerve to label each other bitches and hoes.

I just have so much to think about now. I feel like I'm the only one ever affected so deeply about these things. And as black people especially, how can you see that and still complain about what you don't have due to "the government", or "the man"? Africa is YOUR country. Those are your people, that child is YOU. You can't tell me you have it worse off than those kids.....I guess its true that we as amerikans see things through the glass on the TV, and say "oh thats terrible" then just change the channel.

RED MEAT

So I decided to cut red meat out of my diet. No more Taco bell, meat lovers pizza from Pizza Hut or Mcdonalds double cheeseburgers. No more steak or any of this processed shit they have in my school cafeteria. Its already proved hard, but in the end I know its going to be worth it. I'll be a healthier, happier, more in-shape person. So the outcome definately outweighs the sacrifice.

But I was thinking earlier this week. There are Hall Counsel elections going on and one of my roommates is running for Vice President. So there were speeches and stuff, a lot of people came to hear the speakers. But they were mad rude. So I'm sitting to the left of where the speaker stands and I can see all the people on the other side. My roommate goes up to give her speech, and there's a girl on the other side who's looking her up and down. My roomie says something about how she's not such and such, and the girl mouths 'in other words you're a bitch'. I don't even know how to describe how unnessesary that was. It was so extra I couldn't believe it. She didn't know my roommate from her elbow and here she was making unqualified judgements about her.

So this is the other red meat right? Bitchiness, jealousy, being judgemental, closemindedness, unnessesary attitudes, cattyness, overall qualities of a majority of women. Red meat CAN be cut from a diest with the hard work and dedication. So can being a bitch. Cutting red meat is all about watching what you eat. Cutting the bitch is all about watching what you say, monitering your nonverbal communications and really trying. There's no excuse for being an asshole, especially when you don't even know the person.

Hi My Name is.....And I Have Holes In My Face

I want some peircings =]
Oooohh just the thought of holes in my face is exciting. Just kidding, but I do want peircings. So typical pericings are

• ears
• lip
• tongue
• eyebrow
• nose

But I saw this guy in times square with his hands peirced, and his cheeks where his dimples are. He looked a mess. He was walkin around like his shit didn't stink too. But whatever.

I'm lookin at eyebrow, nose, and lip right now. The lip thing is interesting because last year I really wanted a monroe.                 --------------------------->>>>>
Like I was obsessed with getting it and with anyone who had one. I thought it was sooo sexy.

But nooowww I really want a double labret aka the snake bites =]--->>>

Like that but cooler. And my lips are bigger than this kids' so I'm thinking it will look a little bit better. And if I get the balls I want em smaller, but maybe I'll get the spikes in awesome colors. And I'll admit; I saw a guy at my school with it and I was like "that is fucking awesome". So yes I took his idea, yes he had it first, and yes I will give credit where credit is due.

Other piercing ideas are eyebrow which I just think is standard. My bestie had one for like three weeks then she took it out. She's wack for that. But eyebrow piercings look good on pretty much anyone so thats nothing out-of-the-ordinary. I've heard that when you get the eyebrow they start you off with a ring and people usually upgrade to bars and spikes, but I think I'd just keep my ring --------->>>> 

You're So Anti, Don't I Matter!?

My roommates call me antisocial. Really? Because I don't bring 50million guys to the room? Or because I don't try to meet the 50million guys they bring to the room? That shit blows me. On the real. I hate that there's always some random dude walkin around our room. But thats not the point. I don't think I'm anti-social at all. I'll admit I stay in my room and to myself a lot, but I'm just very particular about who I allow into my life. People give off vibes. And you can feel the vibes when you meet someone, its up to you to listen to them or not. I'm sensitive to those vibes. Having a lot of different people can equate to a lot of different drama. And they're wondering why they already have rumors going around, or why people are mad at them already. Its because you're too damn open. I'm really not anti-social. If anything I just have my priorities straight. I mean yeah this is college, and a big part of it is being social, but this school costs too much for me to bullshit around because I wanna be known, or be popular, or have a million and one people around all the time. I honestly think I just haven't found the right people, that I can fuck with hard yet. I mean you meet people that are cool, and who you can chill with on occasion, but I haven't found anybody to be like a real person I can get down with. I mean I'm cool with my roommates, but I don't really fuck with any of them hard like I did with people back home. I don't feel anti-social, maybe socially awkward, but not anti social. What I mean by socially awkward is that sometimes I just don't fit in with the group. Like all of my roommates will be talking about some guy and I'll drop knowledge or something totally obvious to me and they'll just be like "wtf". Or I'll make a joke that I think is really funny, but they don't laugh. Lol okay, thats just me feeling like 'damn, I wasted a joke on you mofos'. But yeah, I was really worried about the social aspect of college before I came. Now, not so much. I was worried I wouldn't make friends and stuff but now I'm just chill. I feel like I can be me without putting myself out there, because that's what they do. They feel the need to go to all the parties and events and thats just not my goal in college. So I'm pretty much gonna just let it happen.

 

 I think my roommates just don't know the difference between anti-social and reserved.

Lust For Clothes

So I have this thing, and it usually only happens when I see fly ass guy clothes, but I'm just really fascinated by em. I like clothes but not to the point where I'm 'stylish'. But when I see a nice coat for example, I'm intrigued. I stare, and think of all the possiblities of outfits. Next thing I know I'm in a whole different world. But I get snapped out when I look at the price tag, or think about the lack of zero's in my bank account. It makes me remember how I need to get on my job grind =/                                                                                                            But since I'm on the topic of clothes; I really don't think clothes should have a gender. Like who's idea was it to say girls are limited to this, and guys are limited to this. I feel like if I like it, and the outfit is fly I should wear it. It really, honestly, has nothing to do with my sexuality. But I can see how that could be confused. I mean gay girls wear guy clothes. But aside from that I think its stupid that clothes are seperated like they are. I have guy jeans that fit like girl jeans and if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know. So what's the point. Plus with guys wearing jeans as skinny as they do, they may as well just wear girl jeans. And stuff like sweatpants? Sweatshirts? Should definately be unisex.

Lately my college attire has been sweatshirt, jeans and slides. I have to wake up too early to worry about clothes. And its getting chilly out, so I'll definately be buying more sweats and thermal underware asap! But first I gotta get that job =/

If I Thought New York Would Change My Life...

I am totally right. Before coming here I wasn't used to being independant. There was always someone breathing down my back or checking up on me. It really blew. I hated always having to tell my mom where I was going, who I'd be with, and when I'd be back. I also wasn't as responsible. I wasn't totally incapable of doing what I'm supposed to but I was definately a procrastinator. I kinda still am but I'm really working on it. So I wanted to get my schedule changed, and instead of bitching about it, I just did. Took like 15 minutes from the time I checked in with the receptionist to the time I got my new schedule. My whole morning was a success from my standpoint. I got to class on time, went to the gym, played basketball, changed my schedule, AND got some books from the library. I just feel really accomplished. And the other day I was playing spades with my roomies. I got the urge to walk and ended up doing just that. I just said 'okay guys, be back later'. That was it. I mean I could have explained myself no problem, but I didn't have to. Maybe I'm making this sound like a big deal. Its not I'm just really excited for myself. I knew, knew, knew; before I even got here, that if I was put in a situation where I had to step out of my comfort zone I would succeed. Usually I'm shy, but all during freshman weekend, with ice breaker games and such I put myself out there and met people. It was just about the smoothest transition I could ever imagine. I wasn't getting butterflies trying to talk to people, and I don't know where this confidence came from but I'm willing to bet its this NY atmosphere =]

College Thoughts: Part I

So I was chilling with the bestie at her house the other night and its me her and our friend Lisa. We're all going away to college and isssh. So Meesh's brother comes in the room and was kinda kidding with us then he spit some real knowledge about how its gonna be in college. Just tellin us that we're gonna change and our friends are gonna change, and when we come back we can't expect to see the same kids we did when we left. So to me the deepest thing he said was "there's gonna be times when people just drop off the face of the earth". I felt like that was some true ass, real ass shit. Motherfuckers I thought I was super cool with in high school have fucking disappeared. I'm cool with it though. I mean I didn't stress it at all really. But I guess it was lurking in the back of my mind because my crew, like the people I spent all my time with in high school, were doing all this stuff without me. I mean I'm not one to get all bitchy like 'why yall aint invite me' cause I realize they got different relationships with each other and third parties that I'm not aware of, I just didn't know it was all gonna end so fast. So when he said that it was really like an eye-opener. They say that when you graduate high school you're gonna tell everybody you'll keep in touch but you really won't, they say your college friends are the ones you'll keep the rest of your life. Well I'm just the one for trying to upset the status quo lol. I feel like if I keep in mind the fact that there's a lot going on for everybody; and not take things to heart when people don't hit me up, I'll be able to have at least threads of relationships with my high school friends and I'm pretty sure after freshman year we can work on rebuilding it. As long as the lines of communication stay open through the year we should be good.

When You're 17 Everything Feels Like The End Of The World

I keep a lot of anger in me. My mom raps to me almost on the daily about college shit and how I'm in for a whole lot of changes and shit. Its stuff I've heard so many times. I'm sick of hearing it. I have never in this house felt like I could express myself freely. The anger gets so serious sometimes that I can feel it. It feels like heat. White heat just flowing through my body. And it comes all the way up to my eyes and I feel like I either have heat vision or people can see the anger in me. I hate the way she talks down to me. She talks to me like I don't know shit. She makes me so mad I can't think straight. I see myself just blowing up on her one day. I can clearly see it in my head; me yelling at her, the look of surprise on her face, me storming out, my dad coming to see what happened. Every time I get mad at her the explosion is bigger, longer. Not that I want to hurt her, but I want to be heard just like she does. Maybe its a big cycle in this house; my dad stifles my mom, mom stifles me. That's what it seems like. Every single time they get in an argument my mom ends up spilling her guts to me in a way that's like her yelling at me. Like she'll call me to her room and start talking about something I didn't do but it changes so quick to the subject of my dad, and all the fucked up things he's doing and how he's hurting her. It pisses me off that she'll talk to anyone else that will listen, but won't say shit to him. Ha look at me....sounding like a grade-A hypocrite.....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK. Anger doesn't feel good. I swear I feel it eating at my insides. I want it to go away. Maybe I'm going so far to college to run away from it, like my mom can't pick up a phone or something. But I guess if we're so far away she won't bother me as much. I just want to feel free. I never never feel like I can just do as I please, and I know its a rare thing in life where you're free like that, but I feel like your home should just be one of those places. If I can't have freedom of expression and emotion in my home I damn sure won't have it anywhere else. I'm ready to stop hiding.

No really. I guess I joked about thinking I was anti social, but being here at orientation is making me really think about it. Am I just being shy for no reason, or is this really a problem? Idk anymore. I could just be taking it too seriously and being too hard on myelf. I mean, a lot of people here are being just as shy as me, or at least they're acting like they are. Do I have a right to be shy in this situation and at this moment? I will admit Im not being nearly as shy as usual, I mean Im talking to people, but Im still not all the way comfortable with people if that makes sense. So yeah, i've been reading Black Boy, by Richard Wright and its basically his autobiography. It really goes in depth about why he couldn't act like he was expected to around white people. Basically his upbringing made it difficult for him to hold his tongue and regard whites as superior. Well its got me wondering what the hell kinda upbringing I had that makes me so weird around people. Is it because as a kid my mom always spoke for me and introduced me to people? Idk, maybe its genetics and I really do have more in common with my dad than I like to think. He's really shy too, but those are things you really have to get over in the working world. Im just gonna hope that this is a product of a wack group and roommates I have nothing in common with for now. Idk it feels weird now but I also feel like with my real roommates it won't be this bad. *crosses fingers and hopes the shyness passes*

Stranger.

Its weird right. Seeing people you know after graduation. You'd think it'd be a big hug fest right, but it never is. I saw one of my classmates at the grocery store and it was just blah. Made me feel exactly like a stranger. Made me feel like I never knew her at all, and in all honesty I didn't. I saw some more of my classmates at the train station. These were the big-time kids, the ones who were all in to fashion and appearances. Yeah one of the guys was my best friend's prom date. The other guy I sat across from for a whole year of College Summit. Both parties (meaning me and them alike) walked right past each other without saying anything. But then what could we have said? It just woulda been mad awkward seeing as they don't know me all that well nor do I know them that well. My whole senior year was about change and introspection. My whole year was spent getting to know myself, and becoming a better person. I spent so much time with myself that I neglected the possibility of close relationships. And one of my all time excuses is that I'm shy. Blah Blah, its getting old and tired. Something else I told people a lot was that the more 'friends' the more drama, and I was damn right about that one. I had zero drama for the entire year, but I also have zero friends that I hang out with now. Idk, is it really worth the drama? Either way I feel like a stranger when I'm around my classmates.

But what makes things worse is that I feel like a stranger in my own house. My parents have no idea who I am as a person. My dad makes fun of the fact that I like poetry, and that I go to all these boho places in the city. He does all this on the offhand chance that I might give up the poetic spirit and get a career based in science. Yeah fucking right. I was ecstatic to tell him about the new books I got from the library, and the score on my AP test. I was all 'dad I got some new books from the library', and he goes 'what happens to you getting a job'. Convo dead. Nothing I ever do is good enough. So I just stop trying.

As for my mom, she walks around with a permanent scowl plastered to her face and an air of depression surrounding her. Every time you try to talk to her, she always sees the downside. Idk if she realizes how stifling that is to me and my sister. But then again, do I always realize the kind of pressure she's under? I feel like we can at least make a compromise: we as kids can take more of the pressure off of her, and she can try to not be so depressing all the time. I especially feel like a stranger to my mom. Ever since I came out to her, she's been suspicious of everything I do. I can't hang out with friends without getting harassed by her. I understand you want to know what I was doing, but if you were more open I could be more open. I'd love to be able to talk to my mom about girl issues, but I fear she'd have an aneurysm.

I'm Uncle Phil, I Switch Wifey Like Every Season...

"So I Guess That Makes You Aunt Viv Until You Take So Much That You
Can't Give......... "

So I told my gf that I wanted to take a break like a week ago. She hasn't been blowing me up like usual. I know its probably killing her, but she tried to hit me with that bullshit, talkin bout she love when she doesn't know what the fuck love is. So she said 'I think I love you' and I said 'yeah we need to take a break.' She say 'what you mean by break?'. I say 'I mean I need to be single for a while, we could get back together we could not'. (I wasn't tryna be harsh but I was trying to be honest). So today she texts me like 'so do you love me?'. I didn't text back. I'm sitting on the beach thinking, this girl doesn't even know me. She doesn't know any of the stuff I've been through that even make me the person she claims to love. She doesn't know I write poetry, she doesn't know ME. She knows who she wants me to be though. Then she texts me like all this crap about how she's feeling me but she's pissed because I said I need a break. First of all love is patient, so if she did love me it would hurt that I needed a break but she'd be understanding and supportive don't you think?
--And believe it or not, this happens to me a lot. And I swear I'm not trying to be cocky. Girls think they fall in love just because someone is nice, or treats them like a lady, or is a sweetheart. But that's how someone is supposed to treat them, period. That's the trademark characteristic of a little girl. They're too trusting.--
Anyway the break is on, and I'll probably explain it to her and of course she won't get it, and of course she'll be angry forever. When she grows up she will thank me, because she will know better.

Letting Go.

Its crazy that I still love her so much. Maybe that's it maybe because I never say her name, I just say her. Okay; Nisha. I still love Nisha so much. We've been over forever. We broke up when I was 16, I'm almost 18. Its so fucking pitiful. Okay maybe its not, I'm not like totally incapable of caring about someone else but she's always on my mind. I'm always worrying about her, and there's still songs to this day that will make me tear up becuase I always think about her when I listen to them. Sometimes I don't even know if I've moved on or not. I guess I have mentally, but not emotionally? Idk, I'm in a relationship and I still think about her. Not nearly as much as I used to though. I guess some days are worse than others. It just gets discouraging in this battle to move on with my life when some days I get through without thinking about her then I hear a song or see something or hear something about a friggin part of DC where she lives and I'm back to thinking about her. I wish I could not care. I wish I could hate her and move on. I want to move on. I would rather harbor hate than have to deal with seeing her in the face of every girl that wants me to move on.

Today I learned what real love is. fml.


"Your face will be the reason I smile
but I will not see what I can not have forever
I'll always love ya I hope you feel the same

-Maxwell

I Got A Lot To Say....

For one I graduated high school! Yay me. But I'm still broke, still jobless, still in a bad relationship that I don't really even want to be in, still trying to figure out a way to pay for college, still procrastinating like a bio-tch, still somewhat out of shape (even though I'm working on that), still not using my talents like I could be, still acting like I'm crazy shy, and still in love with my ex.

Um. yeah. Its pretty much like that. I get up in the mornings and work out. Today I went to the court for like an hour. Best hour in a long time. I missed basketball. My stroke is still like that. I wanted to go to my ex's house because she got hurt at work and wants someone to chill with. Mom nixed all that and said 'stay your ass home'. Why?

I'm almost fucking 18. Why is it that my little sister can go wherever the fuck she wants but I have to sit in the house all day? My sis is going to her friends house for dinner later today and tomorrow she's gonna spend the night at another friends house. Someone, for god's fucking sake explain to me why at 17 and 10 months I still have these issues with my mom. And get this shit. Yesterday I asked her could I go she said no, then had the fucking nerve to ask me to run errands for her! And today oh I can't go to my friends house but I can take my sister to her friends house. What kind of bullshit is she on?

Um I got mad graduation money and went to Ocean City with my bestfriend our bro, my gay friend (dude), and my friend Lisa. Well it was cool for the most part. My bestie had a few iffy moments but I guess we all did at some point. The weather wasn't that great but we did go to the beach and make a bombass sandcastle >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We also went to this teen club called H20. It was cool I guess. They had a foam night and we're thinking there's gonna be foam up to our neck but it was one foam machine in the middle of the floor which didn't get nearly as much foam as we wanted. So little ol' me was just in there [pg] chillin and shit. I wanted to dance with girls and whatnot but my ass was a super punk. When I finally got the nerve to ask one girl she snatched her hand away from mine so hard she smacked her own ass. After that I was just like yeah no more tryna dance with black chicks. Mean ass viper motherfuckers...So I danced with like two other girls and the whole time there just tryna feel me up where my nuts should be, no doubt thinkin 'why aint he gettin hard'.

And that my dear reader(s), brings me to something I've been thinking about since that incident. Sometimes I just wish I had a dick. I mean I'm a lesbian. I love women, I like being gay, but if I had a dick stuff would just be so much easier. I mean I was having fun and all, but my brother Trev was straight bookin bitches the whole damn time. Shit was ridiculous. He got the neck like every day we were there. And I don't even want that, I don't wanna be a hoe just want the availability and convenience, and confidence.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So the next subject is this girl I like. She lives in NY (where I'm going to school!) and she's just really friggin cool. Like she is so chill. We vibe so well. Like I keep her laughing, she keeps me smiling, she keeps me thinking. Like we talk about stuff I see like as far as observing the people around me and stuff like that. We talk about our personal growth. She was telling me how much of a materialistic asshole she used to be and I can't even imagine her in that way. She's so down to earth. And its cool beacuse we flirt and such but we each date other people. We'll be talking and she'll say something about a date she has then ask about my girlfriend, and you know how girls will do/say things to make someone jealous?, well its not like that at all. She's genunine about that shit. And I love it. She really asks about my girl and really wants to help whatever relationship we have. Its just all good vibes I feel from this chick. I can't wait to go to NY to meet her in person. And yeah yeah, I know there can be so much shit about 'whaaat you met her online, and you never met her in person' but its just different. Idk how to really explain it, but its different. I'm gonna sound crazy I guess but I'm thinking its fate. I mean I'm going to school in NY, right up the street from her school. And she was gonna go to Bowie State, right down the street from where I stay. I mean come on...AND the whole reason I met her was because I said some asshole-ish stuff on her blog about young girls, and she didn't come at me foul back just asked me about it and what do you know, I find out she's fucking 16! Anyway the girl is really cool and I'm excited to see where this goes.

*This blog was out of boredom soooo yeah you get what you pay for I guess...

Resurgence Of The Long Lost Ex (and other Memorial Weekend stories)

STOP.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE EX IS HERE!!!

That's right people. My infamous ex is back. Yeah you know the one I love/d with all my heart and wanted to give the world to. Yeah the one I couldn't stop caring about even if I tried. OOOOhhhh geesh. I don't even know what to write. I care about her more than I care about me. Her happiness means more to me than I can even explain.

So I wrote a note of facebook pinpointing some important people in my life and she was one of em. She commented on the note to the means of 'its never too late to pick up where we started'. Well I called her and we were just rapping for the most part. Something we haven't done in the longest time. I was a little bit nervous, so I didn't outright ask her what I wanted to. When I finally got around to talking about it she said she wanted me. But there are so many things getting in the way of us just being happy together like we should have been for two years already. I mean I'm going to college in NY, she's going to college here, she works, she lives in DC, and OH YEAH! I HAVE A FUCKIN GIRLFRIEND!!!

Shit. She could not have worse timing. Like I love that girl to death, but I can't just up and drop the girlfriend because that just isn't fair. There was a time two years ago when I would've just dropped any girl to have her back. I've moved past that and I don't plan on going back to that stage of getting over her. I still love my ex with my whole entire being and I really would like the chance to be with her again, but like she said, she doesn't want to put herself in that situation to have 'the summer of her life' and then I'm just gone. Its very understandable, and I wouldn't want to put her in that place.

Moving on. Sunday I didn't go to church with mom I went to downtown DC and rode around on my bike with padre. It was pretty great. I enjoyed the excersise, the fresh air, the people. It kinda blew me that random ass pedestrians wanna walk slow as shit when I'm tryna ride a bike behind em. And I started noticing a different kind of look from people. I'm used to getting the 'is that a guy or girl look', or the nose turned up 'at a youngster' look, even the 'black' look you get from white people sometimes when they aren't trying to supress it. The look I got though was a 'Oh my gosh a black girl with her father' look. Like people were so surprised to see a black father still in his child's life. It was an awkward look for me to get. Someone would look at me then at my dad then at our bikes then back at my dad like they didn't believe he was my real father or like they were expecting him to dissappear into thin air. I like going out with my dad. I never have to worry about what I'm wearing like I do with my mom. He never makes me feel like less of a person by the way he looks at me.

In other news I'm working hard as hell to get a job. Looks like I'll be working at six flags. Now a lot of people are looking at me like I'm crazy; 17 years old and working at a theme park with a bunch of 15 year olds? Well six flags money is just as good as anywhere else's so I'm damn sure gonna spend it. Only problem is all this fucking red tape I gotta go through with getting a work permit. This is the most ridiculous shit ever. I was already blown because I thought since I was 17 I wouldn't have to get one, but I had to get an application for the permit from the school. Then I had to go to six flags and have them fill out some information. Then I have to put that information on this pg county website, and get a recipt to say I imput the information. Next I have to take the application and the recipt back to the school. Now its gonna take another two days for the school to verify the work permit. And I have to do that every time I get a job. Its just so unnessesary and frustrating. I was done with all of six flags' other shit like the interview and drug test. If I was 18 I could have started working this sunday and would have had my first check on friday. Now I'll have to wait at least until Thursday for the work permit and sunday to go through training. Its such bullshit. I'm already out of school so why do I have to get a work permit? I think my parents' signature should be enough. Hopefully I can work there of get some lifegaurd gig within the next week.

Upcoming events! Prom is saturday, gettin my hair done tomorrow and nails done thursday [ugh]. I'm excited even though my mom hasn't started my dress yet. lol. I'm not worried though. Um graduation the 8th, and I'm trying to have a cookout or something. Idk how that's gonna work because I have too many friends to exclude some. I'll figure something out.

So Even My Dreams Are Socially Charged??

*I'm up early, writing this because I had a really weird dream and I don't wanna forget it.

It was summer in my neighborhood and this really pretty girl kept popping up in my house. Like I'd be in the kitchen and see her out of the corner of my eye or something then she'd disappear out of the house. It was really wierd because I'm wondering how the hell she got in my house. At the time I thought she was spanish or something.

Then one day I cought her before she left the house. I'm trying to figure out where she came from and she keeps telling me she lives in the neighborhood that she just moved in and can't remember which house is hers. So we have some spanish neighbors that live diagonal from us and I point to that house and ask her if that's where she lives. She says no and points to a house two doors down from mine. Her mom and grandma [I think] come out of the house yelling in some foreign language that was NOT spanish.

Then my friend Denzel comes out of the house too. I'm like 'yoo that's my mans!'. I get kinda happy because I didn't know he lived there and whatnot. I'm like 'dude that's your sister?' because Denzel [I thought] is black. He's like yeah, and I'm like woah because all this time I thought she was spanish so how in the hell did she get a black brother? Then he explains that he's dominican, not black. Coulda fooled me.

Next thing I know my little sister is out there playing with the spanish kids from across the way, and Denzel's other sisters while me and D sit on my front porch watching. I notice that the spanish kids are giving the dominican kids these outfits, and they're made of all wool it looks like. So I'm just watching wondering why my sister didn't get one since they're all friends and all playing together. She doesn't notice it. [The dream gets fuzzy here]

From what I remember now my sis and I were fighting because I noticed that the dominican family was treating her differently than they treated the spanish family. It was really weird because she wanted to defend them but I don't really remember much else except getting into an argument with the Dominican grandmother, and something about a comic in the newspaper.... Dammit.

Anyway the reason I say this is socially charged is because in the African diaspora, slaves were taken all over the America's. The very last thing I learned in African American History is that in the Dominican Republic their government tried to expell all african-ness from the country. So those who had darker skin, even if they were born in the Dominican Republic, were sent out of the country and denied citizenship. Even now they use every word other than black to describe themselves.

I think the spanish family was in the dream because I was watching Def Poetry Jam and there was a guy who spit this poem called 'Jibero, My Beautiful Nigga'. It was about the link between spanish people and black people. It was a binding poem and even though I didn't really know what it was about beacuse a lot of it was in spanish, I understood the concept that even spanish people are descendants from Africans and that we really are all closer than we think. Since I don't have school I think I'm gonna do some research about the diaspora in the Dominican and Latin America.

Binding/FTM/S4S

Since I'm out of school now [whoo!!], I have all this free time to research and waste time. I decided to research something that was actually worth my time! As I said I looked up the info about binding and numero uno: I found a way to bind well enough for me right now. I think it was on ftmguide.org. Basically took some old spandex bike shorts and cut a hole in the seat then put em on upside down. It worked to an extent. Under a small t-shirt [like the ones I wear on a regular basis] it looks like a regular sports bra, but I put a thermal T over it and it looked great! So that was almost the highlight of my day. I probably won't use that now that its summer because I would have to layer too much. As soon as I did it, I realized how much I actually like my breasts so I'll wait on getting a real binder.

So I kept researching and learned about packers and stp's. Also something I think I'll try, just not now. Then I started watching videos on youtube about ftm's and stp's [crazy o.c. with the acronyms lol]. And the best thing happened. I actually thought in my head about the guy in the video as a guy. In my head I used the pronoun 'he', before the video even started. It felt good to think that without having to think about it. It was like no part of me wanted to call him 'her'.

Next video I watched wasn't exactly about stp's and binding, it was more of a vlog. But the guy was talking about his transition from lesbianism to manhood. It was pretty interesting because he talked about his own struggle to accept his masculinity. I'm not considering transitioning myself, right now, but if you just look at everything they have to go through you'd probably reconsider whining about how hard it is to be black, young, or a woman. There's always a minority. The things we think are so important are so small in the scope of the universe. People in other countries are killed for even thinking about, maybe liking someone of their same sex. We've come so far from that. I'm not saying we should settle and stop the fight here, but we should definitely learn to appreciate what we already have.

Now when I say appreciate what we have I don't mean appreciate bits and pieces of it. I mean appreciate the s4s, f4f, ftm, mtf, queer, bi, fag, hag,stag, and every other little category you choose to identify with. If you're not going to accept s4s you may as well not accept the lgbtq community at all.

I don't know how many people know it but s4s are actually necessary for a successful lgbtq society. A society isn't complete without the presence of social deviance [mainly s4s, in the lesbian community]. Social deviance is the violation of social norms such as stereotypical stud-femme relationships. Its hard to define social deviance because ,as we see on downelink, not everyone agrees what is or is not deviant behavior. Some think s4s is wrong, some don't.

The proof that s4s is indeed a form of social deviance is the community's reaction to it. All societies have ways to promote order, stability, and predictability. Ways the community tries to control the deviant behavior is through social sanctions such as ridicule, criticism or gossip. These are innate ways the community as a whole tries to curb the social deviance.

The deviant behavior can become an accepted part of the society. Every sub-society has to make its way to become a part of the bigger society so if you look at it, that's what s4s is doing now. But something else will take its place when everyone else accepts it. Something else has to take the place of socially deviant because that behavior actually builds community, reminds people of something they value, and promotes social change. Deviance clarifies the norms that exist in a society, and with time the society will re-define and adjust those norms to include what was once a deviant behavior.

That's why I don't argue about it. It has to happen for us to move on.

Damnnn It Pays To Be Organized!!! (and other random happenings)

Man senior checkout was pretty hectic, but the highlight of it all was my band checkout. Our director was like he had to sign out on our marching band uniforms and most people kept their shit all over the place. I always put my uniform back in the right place and it was always neat so when it came to me checking it in I felt great. It wasn't that great of an accomplishment but it felt really good that my organization had really payed off.

Umm in other news my older sister came to town for the weekend. It was pretty fun I suppose. It made me realize that I really am growing into myself because the old me would have been in my feelings about some of the stuff she said. My sis isn't exactly reserved when she talks to anyone, and the wrong person could get their feelings hurt if they take her words to heart. The wrong person just happened to be our little sister. They were talking about something and my younger sis said something smart, so my older sis kinda kirked on her. Lil sis got in her feelings something slight and mom kinda had to mediate. I could see it all happening because my younger sis really looks up to big sis and basically her word is law. Anything she says baby sis will take really seriously and think she has to do that. I on the other hand, have become somthing like my own person so when she says slick stuff to me I can just brush it off. I think that made me enjoy her stay even more.

Hmm saturday I went to the gf's house while her parents weren't home. Uh we were gonna 'chill' then go to our friend's birthday dinner. I got there around 5, the dinner wasn't till 7. But yeah, shawty was playin with me. First off we were on the phone while I was driving there and she talkin bout she gotta take a shower. I was cool with that. I got there and she opened the door in some boxers and a bra. I was cool with that. Then she's talkin bout what is she gonna wear, and oh I gotta get in the shower. Blah blah. I was cool with that. I'm tryna help her pick out something to wear to the dinner. She starts the shower and asks me about wearing heels. I was cool with that. So she's going through her closet trying on shoes, and I gotta say a woman in heels is one of my weaknesses. So here I am, sitting on her bed, her in a towel and some black pumps. I was cool with that. She finally gets in the shower, and comes out drippin wet. Of course I beat it. Fuck am I supposed to do? Shit was nice. She loved it so I was good. So yeah we go to dinner and it was fun. Had a good time with her, and she didn't do too much. It was kind of annoying because with this group of friends I'm used to being the 'funny person' and since she was there I had to spend an equal amount of time boo-loving. I was cool with that. After dinner we just sat in the car and talked. There was a lot going on in both of our minds and we sorta got it out, but as always I kept some of it in to avoid an unnessesary conflict. I dropped her off home and that was that.

Uhhh sunday I went to church with madre and my sisters. Mom came in the room off the early and asked me to wear a dress. I complied with no argument. Of course mom thought I had an attitude, but there was no way I was even gonna try to argue out of that one. After church the first lady took us to lunch. We went to this really cool chinese restaurant where they cook the food in front of you. Man it was awesome. I loved every minute of it. The chef was soo funny too. I definately wanna take the gf there as soon as I get some money. I came home and me and the gf were talking and I fell asleep. She makes a huge deal about it saying 'she can't keep my attention'. blah. I was just tired. Get over it.

Sigh. Today is my first day out of school. I've been moderately productive. I addressed my grad announcements and made some extra ones for other people madre wanted to have one. Other than that I've been chilling. Listening to music and eating. I could probably gain 15 pounds by the time graduation is here if I stay in the house every day. I don't plan on doing that but it feels good to be able to sit around the house all day. Um I need to call the bestie so we can figure out what we're doing this week. I also gotta do this housing survey and pick my meal plan for st. john's. Uhhh gf had to take hsa's today and the rest of the week. I really don't know how long this is going to last because she called me today talking about how much she misses me and how she can't concentrate and asking when I'm coming up to the school. blah. Its super nice outside. I think I'm gonna work on skateboarding.

I really really need to start getting into a routine. I want to get back in shape, find a job and get some reading done. I'm thinking of running every morning. I ran some mornings last summer but I didn't do it consistantly. I really want to be consistant with it though. I have no clue how to motivate myself though. I figure that if I get a job that will give me motivation to run because I'll have money to spend on clothes that will look good on an in-shape body. Lol. Gotta find a job first though. After I finish this blog I'm gonna put in mad applications, and send off my announcements. I also need to write in to my administrator so I can get more tickets for graduation. I have 10 now, and I need about 15 more. Hopefully a lot of my family members will come. That would be really exciting. I want a job first though. Lately I've been feeling like a burden on my mom. There's a lot of places I want to go that I need money for and I always ask her. I'm sick of being a parasite. I WANT to provide for myself. I want to have money. I welcome having to pay for gas, and paying my own bills. I don't want to be so sheltered anymore, getting everything I want. Its just not where I want to be in my life.

I don't have a religion. Is that the same as not having a faith? My lit class was discussing The Road by Cormac McCarthy and we're talkin about what we would do in a post apocalyptic world. A lot of people said they would try to survive but I don't see a point in trying to survive if there's really nothing left in the world. I really think I would just off myself. Its not the first time thought that either. When watching movies and stuff about the end of the world or some bad happening i always say i would rather die. Does that speak to my faith or lack thereof? Does my lack of religion connect to a lack of hope? Or are my classmates just disillusioned by their religion. They kept saying they wouldn't kill themselves because they'd go to a better place, but I don't think heaven is real so there would be no point in waiting. Who's right? Im looking at the situation realistically. There's literally nothing. No food no hope. Why put yourself through that? Its just unnecessary. Im wondering if this mindset speaks to my psyche or my lack of religion. Is there something wrong with me that makes me not want to try or am i
I right in not wanting to put myself through that? I got no clue.